2003-12-21 07:50:03 (UTC)

and i'm not trying to hear that shit.

what i wana know baby, if what we had was good,
how come you dont call me anymore
sometimes it feels like im guna die
why on earth cant you just pick up the phone
you know i dont like to be alone..


damn that movie was actually pretty good. i was just going
to watch her ass for awhile, but it was a sweet movie. and
fucking hot.

and this one preview inspired me to cut my hair, this girl
had this hot hot hair, but my idea is a little different,
i might get some balls and call jamie and see if he wants
to do it. probably after i get back from indiana.

its only a one and a half day work week. and im going to
indiana this week! and yay. i might maybe work tuesday
just to spend some time with my girl and make some money
since i'll be gone for a week, but i dont know, i might
have a lot to do before i leave. and yeah, cus i'd need to
ask her to pick me up, or go in when my mom goes to work,
cus my car'll be in the shop, and dawn and i are guna go
out monday night, so. i dont know, maybe i wont work

fo eva? fo eva eva, fo eva eva

i got coffee with ashley tonight. but there was something
strange, i felt weird all day, but about being there,
something that felt weird, maybe surreal. all of a
sudden, i was very aware that i was there, in the same
place we always go, me and her, and the cold air outside,
and the sad strand of christmas lights blinking in one
section, knowing everyone is back in town for the holidays,
and it was this weird chilling feeling, unbelief both that
it was this time of year again and that everyone has pretty
much left and thats why they're "back" in town for this
time of year... and i remembered crying over matt at that
waffle house, and leaving to pick up richard from that
waffle house, and picking apart conversations and
overanalyzing things at that waffle house, and wondering
whether caroline was gay or not at that waffle house, all
with ashley. and then my phone rang. and it was matt.
and when i picked it up, i saw the pen still where caroline
wrote on my hand at the store last night. and i thought.
god. i havent gone anywhere. im still in the same fucking
place i was in 5 years ago and 5 months ago and 2 years ago
and nothings CHANGED, things have just been slightly
different but not real change, just like my life is
confined to one wheel, like the wheel of fortune, theres
only so many things on it and they're always the same
things and something randomly spins the wheel once in
awhile to decide whats important to me at the time. i mean
when i think about how many hundreds of cups of coffee, how
many thousands of cigarettes, how many razors dulled on my
skin, how many gallons of alcohol, how many millions of
tears, and for what - to be in the same fucking place i
was in 5 years ago and 5 months ago and 2 years ago. what
do i want, what am i doing this all for in the end?

i want to love and be loved, without fucking over or being
fucked over. i want to make a difference in someone's life
and for once not have it be a devastating difference. i
want to be strong and hard but not cold. i want to do
something meaningful every day and know that to someone, it
matters if i even get out of bed. i want to some day look
in the mirror and look around me and see how far i've
come, not see the same exact problems and the same exact
mistakes being made over and over again.

i have never believed in this whole new years shit. its
just another day. if youre guna change something, you
shouldnt wait for the day where its the thing to do. but
somethings got to change. and i hope what im realizing is,
that im the one whos got to change it.