2003-12-21 06:10:00 (UTC)

well, well, well - look who's back

it's been a while
I hope I haven't lost any readers

Let's see,
I feel good
I look great
I'm getting a lot done
And I have much left to do

Basically I feel like I've been to hell and back. This is
where I want to stretch my wings out and say that I'm
unscarred from all the past few years threw at me, and
maybe I should. I still feel a little "shell-shocked" if
I sit and think a lot about it, sure. But it's a
decision, not a fact, to be scarred by your past, isn't
it. I haven't felt stronger for quite a while to tell you
the truth. Today I close the door on all that came before
and continue to work toward the future.

That means no more heart aching. It's a technical foul.
That means no more self-pity. It's a technical foul.
That means no more clingy to the past. It's a technical

No more girls who had their chance already are allowed in
any significant part of my mind. It's a technical foul.

And yes, I do picture Whitey from Adam Sandlers 8 Crazy
Nights singing "That's a technical foul!" and making the
refferee T with his hands.

I've had Pam calling, Misty calling, Alana calling, Breezy
writing - and all it's done is bring my spirits down
thinking of what's happened, or what could have that
didn't. All I hear is requests, and no offers. That
might seem a little vague, a little ambiguous. Well,
let's put it this way: they are all spoken for in some
way or another and want to appolgize or catch up for one
thing or another. Sounds ok on the surface, right? Well
thinking of how things went in every case, and what I was
willing to go through to make things work just to be left
alone to hear how happy they are without me is killing me.

Was killing me.

No more. It's a technical foul.

Pam, we could have had a thing but you were never there
for me. Sorry, but you blew it long ago. You're a
technical foul.

Alana, you only ever wanted to use me. You screwed up any
chance I may ever consider. Forget about me. You're a
technical foul.

Breezy, you were once the single most important person in
my life, and despite my having to prove and reprove that
every single day by committing such an enormous amount of
time, consideration, and patience to you constantly, you
never really believed me, did you? You never trusted me,
and in the end, I could never trust you. I hope your
online stalking of things Brian Dowding have led you to
this diary because this is all something you could stand
to hear. You were once everything. Yes, you even
eclipsed Jade, not to mention every other friend I had,
from my life for some time. Your gone, out, too late. I
can't think of what you could do to make me reconsider
outside of a near breakdown appeal to things I once felt
but needed to forget. Sorry. You're a technical foul.

Jade, I am solely responsible for loosing you in the first
place, but you were the only one for whom I would go the
distance for, make any sacriface for, and yet know you
understood me and supported me so well that I would never
feel like I ever had to make sacrifices at all. You were
the one who made me feel complete, stable, happy, and you
did so without grief or any sense of being put out. I
lost that on my own. I'll pay for it for the rest of my
life. It's the mistake that will prevent me from ever
feeling worthwhile. But it's too late. I let you go
again in 2000 to see if you'd come back, like a "if you
set it free and it returns it was meant to be" kind of
way. But you never returned. You were never mine. I've
loved you alone all this time, and continueing to do so is
now no more than an emotional doom to me. You never
contact me anymore. I can no longer do so either. You
are my inspiration, my lost center, my muse, my lifes
great tragedy. No one else has been so good to me, yet no
one else has come close to hurting me as much as you
have. I need to make the best of things now. If you ever
reach inside me again, you will find a love supreme,
but... I'm sorry but you are now a technical foul.

Most importantly - Misty. You've become so skilled at
hurting me you don't need to try. All I ever wanted to do
was move on from my past and create a future with you and
Ceolia. Daddy became my favorite word for the first time
in my life, I was so honored. Please don't allow it to
become a source of pain for me now in your absence. I
can't care so much and be so little to you when I talk to
you. I just can't do it. There is nothing more that I
want in this world more than to be a part of your life,
but not like this. After being so close, I can never go
back to being so far away. Complete nothingness hurts
less. I'd love to hear from you, but not about how you
fuck other people. Are you crazy? I wanted to marry you.
If you can't be happy with me, be happy somehow without
me. I will bleed to death inside if I keep trying to talk
to you while you explore other people to replace me. Come
back if you want, try to fix things of you want. No one
else in this world will do better by you. No one else
will ever commit so faithfully as I can. But if I'm not a
possibility to you, I need to protect myself from you.
I'm sorry you feel so clouded, but until the fog at least
starts to clear, you're a technical foul.

Ya, ,go Whitey...

That's a lot off of my chest, but none of it is how I
would want it.

That's why it needs to be left behind. I can't live in a
world that doesn't want me anymore. I will build a new
one now. If you want me in yours, do something about it.
If you don't, you're a technical foul.

How's that for kicking ass in the spiritual arena.