sad and sadistic

my diary....oh joy
2003-12-18 16:13:22 (UTC)

annoyed/upset/frustrated

I'm so fucking bored. I didn't go in to school today
because it was just a half day and I'd prefer to be
sleeping. I have a ton of art work and music work to do but
I can't be bothered. I was just lying there bored out of my
min when I suddenly felt inspired and decided to start
drawing. I was going to draw this fantasy/medieval themed
picture of an injured man sitting up against a huge twisted
tree, and a woman caring for him, kneeling at his side.
I've drawn the woman, and just looking at what i've drawn
so far I can point out 3 things that are wrong with it; her
neck is too long, her head is too small and the folds in
her dress don't look right. Yes, I know that perhaps I'm a
perfectionist, and that these are easily fixed, but it's
just so frustrating. Before I realised that the woman was
out of proportion, I was drawing the man, and I wanted it
so she had her hand on his cheek, and he was looking to the
side, but up at her. I CAN'T DO IT! I can see what I want
in my mind, but as soon as I try to do it, the image just
flies away. And I don't want to be acting childish, or
thinking that the world evolves around me, but there is
absolutely no one that I can talk to. And I don't mean just
about a picture, about anything. It used to be that I could
talk to Ciara and Elizabeth about anything, but I don't
know...I don't think I'm as close with them as I once was.
I started talking to other people, but as I'm building
relationships with them, my relationship with my other
friends slowly crumbles away. And so I don't have a
particularly close relationship with anyone. I had this
friend Beth, and she was the only person I could really
talk to, about cutting myself, about being depressed
because she had been there, and still is. She used to leave
her phone on at night for me, so I could ring her if I was
expecting shit, because that's what her boyfriend used to
do for her, and it really worked because he talked her out
of doing anything she might not live to regret, you know?
I don't think I can talk to Daniel about it, because
everytime someone has told him that something is wrong, he
has always gone to me 'they're just looking for attention'.
I don't really think there's anything wrong with that..I'd
really love some attention. But this means that I cna't
talk to him about it, because I don't want him to think
that I don't really mean it, and that I'm just making up
all this crap to get some attention from him. And so I have
no one.
I just went on msn, and told Daniel, and then he said that
he needed to do some art work. I was kinda annoyed
because...I admit it...I was wanting some sympathy,
attention and all the rest, but he just didn't seem to
care. And so I just said 'fine' and he goes 'I'm sorry
Eleanor, but I've got a load of work to do, if I don't get
it done while I can, I won't be able to go out'. When he
said 'I'm sorry Eleanor' it kinda felt a bit patronising.
Like 'I'm sorry little girl, but I have work to do'. And
maybe I am acting like a little girl, but I just need
someone to talk to.
Isn't it weird how there are billions of people on the
earth, and you can always be surrounded by people but still
feel so alone. Just the thought that I have no one I feel
that I can confide in....I don't know. I hate being alone
so much, but I always end up by myself.




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