Bopi111

We just don't know
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2003-12-17 04:22:13 (UTC)

Decisions

Ok, well first of all, the main reason I am keeping this
journal is because in the journal i write by hand in, i
find it hard to write as fast as i think.
Two main things are on my mind and troubling me...
college and Duncan. Ok so which shall we start with?
Ok college. I just found out that I got into UGA.. yippe
and congrats to me right? Sure its a good school but i was
planning on getting deferred so i wouldnt have to worry
about which desicion to make.. go out of state or save a
bunch of money and stay in state? I've applied to College
of Charleston and FSU also but they are so expensive. I
think I would really like C of C and I could definetly see
myself there. It would be a big step for me because there
wouldnt be anyone i knew there, at least as far as I know
but who's to say that wouldnt be an amazing experience for
me? I know that i need to get out and see the world and
meet new people, so that is why I don't want to go to UGA.
Cause everyone from DHS and metro Atl goes there. but i
wont know hardly anyone percentage wise. And what if I
dont fit in at C of C and i wish i had gone to UGA?.. I
guess i should roll with the punches and see where life
leads me. I hope it is down a new and exciting path and
one that I will not regret!!!
Ok and so then there is Duncan. We have been broken up
now for, what?, a month and a half( but it seems like
forever). We just recently started talking again and he
has even taken the initiative to call me and text message
me first which, might I add, is not something that he did
even
when we were together( or at least very rarely). He's been
super crazy lately and bouncing off the walls.. I'm not
sure if that is normal for him and I just tamed him while
we were together or what but he's been hyperactive.I talk
to him a like in school and make eyecontact and smile in
the halls which is a huge improvement from only a week
ago. I just can't stand it. I can't stand him. I can't
stand being without him. I don't know what to do about it
because I know there is nothing I can do but I really wish
I could do something because the feelings I had for him
for
11 months haven't just disappeared like it seems his have.
I wrote him a letter telling him everything I ever felt,
everything I ever thought and I got NOTHING out of him
because Jenny helped him write the note and the 2 sentence
explaination of our break up that I do have isn't even
true... so how do i fix that? I called him and I told him
I needed to talk. and I got nothing out of it. All he
could say was I don't know and i'm sorry. But it was bull
shit. It wasn't sorry I hurt you, it was sorry, so I don't
have to be in this awkward situation anymore. Urgg. No
matter how many times I say I can't stand him ( I HATE
HIM!!!) I am feeling the exact opposite. its like that
song, " I hate you but I love you I can't stop thinking of
you, its true, I'm stuck on you"
My friends tell me that i deserve better and that I
should move on because in college I will have so many more
decent boys to choose from and I won't have to worry about
dumb ole Duncan. But the thing is, I am still very much in
love with him and it hurts me to think of not seeing him
and not being with him and even worse, him being eith
someone else. All i want to know is why we broke up and
then I will be somewhat content. At least then I might be
able to sleep at night. So if anyone is reading this, what
do I do? What can I do? I'm in love with a jerk and
complete ass hole. But I can't stop thinking about the
amazing times we had together and all the memories...
URGGG! I don't want to think about him but he is all I can
think of. I have a dream about him almost every night now
too. oh well, everything happens for a reason and in the
end all will be well. jerimah 29:11
I also just found out that he might have mono... i had it
during the last few weeks we were dating and it takes
about a month and a half to show up... so that would suck
for him a bunch with swimming and all.
So i just realized that all i ever wanted with him was
to be an important part of his life like he was for me.
but I never really felt that, at least not in the months
before we broke up. I always felt like 2nd priority, only
really many 4th or 5th priority... he didn't really ever
make an effort to hang out. goodness, why did i not see it
early on? why didn't I end it before is crashed and
burnnnned? I dont think that I will ever get over him. i
just dont see how I can. I know that he is already way way
over me.. he was checking out other girls the week we
broke up, and I have proof of it from Derek. SO that just
sucks a big one. I mean that is horribly insulting and
hurtful. He was such a HUGE part of my life, the thoughts,
my heart and one day he was just up and gone. So what am I
supposed to do about it? just sit and cry it off? I hate
break ups, and it makes me never want to be in a
relationship ever again, cause I don't want to get hurt.
But I want to badly to be back in Love. ven though it was
a little immature love at first i must admitt, i did grow
to truely love Duncan even though I chose to be oblivious
to the way he treated me horribly. I literally can't stop
thinking about him though. I want him to want me like I
want him. I want him to feel the hurt i feel and to want
me back as I want him back. I want to have the upper hand
and I want him to be attracted to me. I want him to regret
all that he has done, explain everything regarding our
break up and then beg for my forgivness. I will of course
accept his apology and we will live happily every after.
urgggg. I just dont understand. I don thin kI did
anything different and i just dont know how he could
change his mind about me so quickly. I mean he used to
tell me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world
and that he loved me and that he didn't deserve me and
that the last thing in the world that he would want to do
is hurt me and wow it hurts to think of all these
wonderful things... I have 8 pages front and back of
reasons why I lvoe him and wonderful things that he said
to me. He said he hopes he knows me when we are 70 and....
urgg. I just want to forget everything. I don't want to
remember becuase it only makes me sad. I just don't see
any options that i can take or any options that would make
a difference in my life. what am I to do ? Decisions
decisions...
~ Christina Caputo


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