Cowgirl_Mom

It's been a few days...

Gosh how I have missed writing in here. I really wanted to
write in here at 2 am today, but that is damn near
impossible when the PC is in our bedroom! I am such a
jumble of thoughts and emotions right now, so I am just
going to jump in with both feet and see where it takes me.
When I left here on Thursday, I desparately needed to pull
myself together. Well, I tried, my husband got out of the
doctor's office with leave from work and meds. Then I went
to pick my son from the bus stop, and he had had a HORRIBLE
day at school. We get home, and my husband tells my son to
go to his room, that he and I need to talk. I sit down,
and he tells me that my son's teacher called, and she wants
my son on meds by the first of the semester and that he is
basically the worst kid in the class! I start crying all
over again. My husband tells me that we have to find him
help, someway, somehow. I start calling, and I find out
that we don't have any mental health coverage on our
insurance and that the first available appointments are mid-
February!
I start the next day fresh, hoping that it will be a better
day for all and that I can hold my hormones in check to
make it a day without tears when the bus driver pulls me
onto the bus to show me where my son has destroyed the bus
seat. I fall apart all over again! Why is my child doing
these things? Was I such a failure as a parent?
I come back home, and then when my husband goes to physical
therapy and the doctor for his back, I go with him this
time. At this point, they're talking like it will be after
Christmas before he can go back to work. When he first
called me with the news from his first doctor's
appointment, I was already thinking through my options of
going back to work, even though it would be for a short
while because of the baby. They are only giving him 8
hours a day for missed work while he is laid up with his
back, when he usually works at least 10 a day. So,
needless to say, the checks to come will be short.
That morning (Friday), I continue calling for
assistance/counseling and/or possible testing for my son.
I get one answer out of the calls I make, and it is that it
will be $125 for the initial consultation, well, that
sounds about right, okay. Then, the testing will be $880!
WHAT???!! Okay, that's not the route we want to go right
now, I'm not comfortable labeling my son as ADD or ADHD
until he has had some counseling first! Well, if that's
the case, than you need to find another doctor's office,
try this one. Okay, I've already left a message with the
one that they recommended.
Friday afternoon, I'm at the pharmacy when my ex calls. He
needs to tell me that the one thing that I told him to get
for our son that he really wanted, he didn't get it. Panic
mode, I've got to find this item over the weekend. I also
let him know all that is going on with our son and our
desparate search for help for him, and he's in total denial
as to anything being wrong. He tells me to let him know
and that if he can help (financially), he will. I got news
for him, he's obligated to help financially! If he
doesn't, it will just add to the case in January!
I search all over town and the internet to find this item
that our son wants, and everybody's sold out and not sure
if or when they will get any more! I search the ads on
Sunday and find them in there and am fully prepared to hunt
it down again when I get an email from my Mom that she
found out, paid twice the price for it, and has it shipped
to my house. Later that day while I am out, my ex calls
me, asks me some questions about the item, tells me that he
found it at Wal-Mart near him, but wasn't sure, so he left
it. I could have killed him! He could have gotten it for
$30, while my Mom paid close to $70 for it! He is also
calling me to say that he wants to keep Tyler from the 19th
(Friday) through Christmas Eve. I tell him I don't know
and I will have to think about it. I call him back to
offer that if he will bring him back on Sunday, as
scheduled, then I will take him to him at work on Tuesday
when he gets off, and then he can bring him back Christmas
Eve night. That way it's 2 nights there, 2 nights here,
then 1 night there before Christmas. I tell him to call me
back and tell me that that's okay.
He doesn't call me back until yesterday morning while I am
checking out at the store. Well, how about I come up to
his work and get him back Monday morning and then give him
back Tuesday? That is just about horse shit! I am so sick
and tired of having to do things convenient for Mike! When
he initially called for extended time with Tyler, it wasn't
about him, it was as if he was doing me a favor by taking
our son for an extended period of time! He wasn't even
going to be with him, he was leaving him with his fiancee
while he worked. But yet he had just told me the week
prior that he had time to burn at work before he lost it,
why couldn't he take his son during that time or scheduled
his leave that way?
Anyway, I get pissed, tell him whatever, the child has a
doctor's appointment on the 23rd, and he has to be here for
that. My ex has the audacity to ask me, a doctor's
appointment, what for? Why? Like he doesn't trust what I
do for our son! This doctor's appointment has been
scheduled for almost a month, it's his booster to his flu
shot!
Yesterday morning, we all overslept. I usually get my son
up at 5:30 each morning so that he can catch the bus at
6:20. Well, it was 6:05 when my husband woke me up. He
tells me that he will even take Tyler to school for me.
Yeah, like that really happened! Instead, he was barely
getting out of bed when we left to go to the school. I
took him to school and took advantage of being there to see
his counselor to ask for additional info, ask them for
their patience and understanding, and let her know of the
impression that my son's teacher had on my husband last
Friday. After the conversation is all said and done, I
asked the counselor if she thought that my son was doing
okay. She tells me that he is a very lucky boy, he has two
loving parents and is doing well, just an average boy! If
that is the case, then why are we going through all of this?
I come home from the store, unload stuff, and put it away.
Then I get to wrapping most of the presents for my son that
have been bought so far. My husband comes home, we talk
about this visitation matter, and his opinion is that I
should let his Dad have him. But, if I want Tyler back on
Sunday, that he'd be willing to drive into town to get him
with me if that's what I want. He has been released to go
back to work Tuesday (today) on light duty for a week, then
be rechecked. While I am wrapping gifts, my cell phone
rings, and it's the doctor that I was referred to for my
son. Guess what? They don't see children my son's age, so
I now have to go elsewhere!
I set out something for dinner, go get the child from the
bus stop and go to the pharmacy to get yet more meds for my
husband. Do you think he lifted a finger to fix any part
of dinner? Hell, no! I'm so emotionally wound up right
now, I'm an absolute mess. If I hear from one more person
about 'how big I'm getting', I swear, I'm just going to
burst into tears right then and there! My husband made a
comment over the weekend that I was 'too big to love right
now'. Then when I share my pain with my Mom yesterday, she
tells me, well, you are kind of big right now, I'm worried
about your skin. These are not pleasant comments,
especially when I am looking at a little less than 5 more
weeks of this.