Heather M

Days,of my so called Life
2003-12-16 03:43:44 (UTC)

Happiness and the World

I know i have not been updating this, for almost a year
now. A lot has changed, and a lot has definatly happend
during that time. I am older and I would hope that I am
wiser, even though being a teen requires a little
curiousity. There's a lot that I am involved in, Dance
team, forensics, FBLA, Drama Club, and now a musical
entitled "Bye bye birdie" Now let's not forget that i have
a boyfriend, it's going to be half a year in a week. One of
the most exciting things to happen to me yet. I met him in
the summer, and since then we have been practically
inseperable. It was hard for me in the beginning of
our "relationship" as i use to put it, to fully put all my
trust into a complete stranger. Yet, when I am with him, it
felt like I knew him for so long. He knew almost everything
about me, before me even saying a thing, just by reading my
face and my actions. Also, looking into a depth perception.
He knew that I had pain and sorrow. He knew that I was a
loving person. He also knew things that I didn't realize
about myself until he mentioned it. Such as I was "shoe
picking." When I asked what that meant, he replied, "you
don't know what you want, you are going through seeing what
you think you like, trying it on, and then figuring out
that you don't actually want that." and I already knew
this...but for a guy of all things to say this, and
actually hit right on the core...was, amazing to me. Still
I was skeptical and leery to put my foot in the water
again. I went for it though, he convinced me mentally that
things would be okay, and that he would make me happy. Just
being around him proved this in every way to me. So since
then, after making what seemed a life or death situation, I
HAVE been happy.
Even though he has made me happy, it doesn't
beside the fact that it's a holiday coming up and I feel
gloomy. I miss my brothers and sisters, whom I haven't
talked to in quite some time. I miss a mother whom I
thought was going to try to get me back, and whom said
loved me, and missed me. I feel a lot of anger towards her
at this point. A lot of resentment. I have been crying a
lot, almost every night now, about how things don't seem
right. Everything is out of place, and I have no physical
grasp on what's happening around me. I should be with them
and enjoying Christmas like we always did. I also keep
having this type of relapse of what happend to me. I didn't
think I would go through this already, but it's stabbing me
again and I can't deal with it. I shake when I cry
sometimes, because that's the only thing my body will
do...and I feel lonely. In my room, the house is still, but
there I am in a bubble. This bubble haunts me and always
makes me look at my past like a movie. It replays and
replays and doesn't stop, until at last, I seemed to be run
dry of emotions....and I fall alseep. My foster family, who
I love dearly, and know love me, has been the greatest
gifts of all. I didn't realize this until a little while
ago. I call them mom and dad without hesitation. Why
shouldn't I, they have been the only ones there to me my
parents and to support my everything.
Another troubling thing, is the world. The
people in it. How ignorant people are. People are so
wrapped up in this nothingness they call a perfect life.
People don't care about other people for the most part.
Last week someone was playing basketball in the gym at
school, and the ball hit my friend walking past, and
knocked out all the books in her hands. They all stood
there and stared. No one stirred to help her. So I stood
up, and made it clear enough for them to hear me, that
common sence thing to do would help her and not just stand
there and look at her dumbfoundedly. And then one ignorant
boy, as I would personally call him, said, "Well I didn't
do it..!!" and i replyed, " well it doesn't matter who did
it, just don't stand there and look at her like she's
retarded, you could at least help her." I helped her pick
up her things and that was the end of that, but I was still
so infuriorated with them I wanted to cry. I do cry for the
world sometimes...I do know it's a waste, for the fact that
I can't really do a lot about it. For the simple fact that
there are soo many ignorant and self centered people in
this world, that it would take me forever to at least help
in some way. That wouldn't work for the fact they are
IGNORANT and wouldn't realize anything of what they do, so
it would be a complete waste of time.
What I really need to do, is stop trying to make
everyone else happy, when I know that I am not happy
myself...and in doing what I am doing, is only leading to
self induced failure...