Arcenciel05

Notebook scribbles
2003-12-15 06:02:42 (UTC)

Sad

The song of the moment would have to be "Sober" by Tool. "I
just want to start over..." I do want to just start again.
I think there are things that I would do differently. There
are also things that I would keep the same. My situation
with Brad and Patrick is not getting any better for me. I'm
sure that neither of them are experiencing as much inner
conflict about this- if they are experiencing any conflict
at all. No matter how much I try and deny it or try to feel
otherwise, everything in my being tells me that I'm
supposed to be with this crazy son of a bitch. But why?
I've tried very hard to figure it out. I'm no closer to
finding this answer. Like I said, in knowing that Brad may
like me, I'd be such a bitch if I tried to pursue something
with Patrick again. But, in the end, that's what I want and
have wanted for a while. And if the opportunity is, at all,
truly there then I feel like I should be entitled to take
advantage of it. But is that really the case? I've thought
about it. I've wasted countless hours of there in the past
few weeks. I like hanging out with Brad, but that spark
simply isn't there. He makes me feel very welcomed, but
there's nothing in my heart for him. You know what I mean?
I'm drawn to Patrick. Definitely like the fucking retard
moth to the flame. It's not even a physical thing,
necessarily. It's just HIM. That girl L.A., who wants his
junk, was hanging around the apartment again today. It was
annoying, more than anything. Like a friggin puppy dog
waiting for someone to toss her a treat.
I am in such a funk. Gill, along with Alexandria and a host
of others will be leaving so that they can study abroad
next semester. I was a blubbering mess. Crying all the time
like someone died. I just can't believe that I probably
won't be seeing her for like eight months. That's nuts.
I've lived in the same room with her since Freshman year.
What the hell am I gonna do when she's gone? I hope to God
that they don't make the mistake of giving me another
roomie. That would be rediculous! I would have to do creepy
things while she slept so that she would get scared and get
the hell out.
Alright, I have a final Wednesday. I'm gonna be studying
all of tomorrow, Tuesday, and then Wednesday. Then I shall
be free of this bullshit.




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