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The Blue of my Oblivion
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2003-12-14 23:02:05 (UTC)

One is the loneliest number you can ever do.

yesterday was saturday....soccer game day....

needless to say, the man friend whooped up and scored four
out of six goals of our game. i love the way he looks when
he plays, except that he..ya know..puts his his heart out
more into soccer than he does to me...but i know soccer
will always have been his first love, and that's okay with
me. i'm the teammate, not the girlfriend.

now what is one of hannah's entries without drama?

here comes a pathetic blurb about my soccer experiences:

coach put me as a starter because he wanted the people who
didn't play much last week to start this week (with the
exception of alex and all of our good players). he put me
as right fullback, my favorite. now...this is where the
idiocy of nana comes into play (no pun intended). at
halftime, the teams switch sides. i usually remember this,
this time i didn't. so we're fixing to start the second
half and coach is telling me to warm up, i call in tony who
i was subbing in for and i stand where he was
standing...which was, unfortunately for me, the wrong
place. so everyone is telling me to go to the right. me,
being the smart person i am, went to my right instead of
theirs so i'm going the COMPLETE opposite way of where i'm
supposed to be and the whole team and all the parents and
the refs are thinking damn this girl is an idiot and i'm
running around screaming at everyone to stop calling me
stupid and i'm yelling "where was tony! where was tony!"
and they're laughing and i'm about to cry and i wanted to
just collapse and tuck myself into a ball and never get up.
ugh i felt like an idiot, and not just because everyone was
calling me an idiot, even my own dad.

we won though, and even though my team is still making
jokes about me, there's some things you just have to laugh
off and forget about. however i'm having trouble with both,
i keep sighing and closing my eyes and kicking myself
thinking 'idiot' and the scene plays over in my head. what
do i want for christmas? brains and talent.

after the game i went home and studied a bit, and got a
call from a friend of mine inviting me to come watch star
wars. they are determined to convert me to a big star wars
loser, though i refuse. but i went over anyway to spend
some time with my manfriend. well that was psht...a
mistake...we watched a few minutes of this movie about an
ugly guy that looked like a monkey in a kilt and then they
watched star wars. i layed on the top bunk and stared at a
lava lamp. they've read all the books at least a dozen
times and seen the movies at least a dozen more so they
knew everything and they were talking all this jedi shit in
some code i'd never heard of and they were skipping around
to all their favorite scenes and got up and had a light
saber fight in front of the tv then yelled at me for not
watching the movie.

then we went outside and froze our asses off on the
trampoline (no, no fun time for nana) and played
basketball. then my dad got there and offered to take alex
home so we drove him home and i fell asleep pretty quickly.

my weekend was fairly uneventful. i helped host a surprise
party on friday for a best friend and that was fun, though
one group of people including the manfriend was on one side
of the room, another group on the other side, and poor
little me alone on the recliner sulking. it was still a
jolly good time, i'm glad i went.

now today, i woke up early and watched a movie i'd been
meaning to finish. and it was AWESOME. i swear it's in my
top three now. dangerous lives of altar boys, it's so cool.
i love it. i'd watch it again but i refuse to leave my room
right now because my family sucks BIG NASTY BALLS. they're
putting up the christmas tree right now, and i dont' plan
on joining ther spirited ritual. i was on the couch messin
around with some duct tape and covering some folders and my
brother sounded a bit like...well....me...so i asked
him, "hey jo, why do you sound like you're on prozac?" the
typical question i am asked by various family members. and
my dad yells at me never to joke like that again. later,
when jo got a phonecall in the other room, my dad told
me, "your brother will start taking some medication soon,
so whatever you may find funny or a joke, i'd appreciate it
if you would keep it to yourself". now hold on just a
goddamn minute. fuck no. i wanted to throw stuff at him and
yell and burst into tears. i was doubtlessly about to dash
into the kitchen, grab a knife, and cut my arm right under
his nose because i was so effing pissed. i am still pissed.
probably more so now that i'm recapping it. i am so fucking
worse than my brother, all he does is cry and say, "man i
hate him i want to shoot him". i cut myself and cried and
screamed and wrote stories and drew pictures about me
blowing up various people and schools. but noooooo i don't
get anything because my disorder is evidently called "being
a teenager" but he gets help because he's a little kid and
hasn't been through the troubles of life yet. goddamn this
is so fucking screwed up i hate him for this.

i really want to start cutting myself again. i have to let
out my rage in some way. it's bubbleing inside me and i
start shaking and my face gets hot. i close my eyes and hot
tears sting the back of my eyes and i close my hands into
fists and i just start shaking and sooner or later i'm
going to blow. i just need to hurt myself soon before i
start hurting other people. i'm so afraid though. i scared
the hell out of a lot of people last year by doing what i
did. i lost a person that meant so so much to me, who will
never feel the same way about me again. i'm just not
willing to risk losing another person i adore. he's been a
friend of mine for a while now, he knows that i get sad,
he's seen my scars he knows that i can't handle stress.
he's said it himself that certain pressures kill me. he
sees it in my eyes. maybe just one cut. enough to scare
myself. but if i start, will i ever be able to stop? i had
trouble making myself stable last year. if anyone finds
out, i could lose a lot of people that mean so much to me.
i'm torn now between my anger and my friends. if i let this
anger build inside me it could get worse and then i'll
never be able to get out of the hole i've dug myself into,
but if i cut myself now then if my friends or my boyfriend
ever found out i'd be in a state much worse than this one.
i can't get help, there's no one who will help me. my
friends will tell me i'm complaining too much, my parents
will say it's just "being a teenager" and i can't talk to
anyone at school. i guess i just have my diary to talk to.
but no reinforcement, no encouragement to tell me to keep
on with being happy, to put up a fight.

i am so afraid now. so stressed out. so unhappy. i can't
mask it forever. it's going to end up killing me. it's like
i'm totally alone again. one. me. flying solo. i guess one
really is the loneliest number you could ever do.

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