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2003-12-14 09:30:22 (UTC)


ya know/
im drunk
not buzzed, but drunk and
i havent been drunk in awhile

i lost my train of thought. but
im happy to have marco

i do things like

pretend or think or pretend or think

that i dont REALLY love him. that this isnt all REALLY

and there are some moments i feel like it isnt. serious.
there are some moments i feel an overwhelmling guilt that i
am an evil bitch witch thats only leading him on when i
know im my heart that this IS NOT the man i will end up
with, WHATEVER that means.

it really means nothing when you think about it.

how do YOU know who that man will be? are you God? No, you
are not. you can have a feeling about a man like that. that
LOOK- hey! this is the man of your life. but that won't
mean anything. there is no such thing, no such thing until
your life is almost over and you fully, with all of your
body and soul realize, this was the man of my life.

how can you know now? in your measly early 20's? you cant.

did i talk shit about K? i think i did but it wwas all

i for some reason want to tell m. everything. i mean, not
all the time. but right now. i wish he was here. and i want
to tell him everything. i mean, EVERYTHING. i want to tell
him all the alternate truths.

only cause he won't respond the way normal guys do. he'll
actually listen. my mom said he was effeminate. and he is.
and thats why i like him. or love him. or somethin.g

cause he's like a girl. i can talk to him like a girl . and
whoa do i kinda NEED that.

i CAN NOT tho, think anything overly serious of him. i can
cherish what we have. which i do, with all my heart. but i
can't think about the future. my brain just won't let me.
which is why i need reassurance from him that our future is
wide open. i need to know i can do what i want. i need to
kow he wil do what he wants. if something pops up .

my brain won't allow me

it shuts down

and thats FINE with me/

i need freedom. but jesus he is so perfect sometimes. flaws
and all. its why i just cant imagine a girl not being able
to instantly fall for him.

i thought that of chris too. i still think that of chris. a
girl would be crazy to not fall for him. but then also
crazy to stay with him. i tihhink about those 5 questions
in grade school that he knew all the answers to cause he
would read th encyclopedia for fun. how can you not love a
blond haired blue eyes pretty boy with a captivating smile
with a obvious need for help. and a extraordinary brain.
i think its royally fucked up how highly i still think of
him. i think he is incredible. i always will. it doesnt
matter, those terrible things he has done to me. those
little, little acts of life, his LITTLE acts of life are so
BIG ,,, so incomprably BIG compared to everyone elses and
thus far in my life he is the most beautiful, harmonious
and sad contradiction i have ever known.

i just sent that little snippetot him cause i think its
true and i want him to know.

i still think of m. as a friend and i want to talk to him
like he is a friend and i want him ironically to read this
like he is a friend and if iw as an outsider id shhot mysef
in the face so

they totally gave me tequila in that last drink, i kno w it
was, whatever i didnt drink it but i had a SIP and tequila
FUCKS me up.

i dont think i ever fall out of love//


im still in love

with alla o ya

there justn happens to be someone right now that loves this
whale back although i cant imagine why.

come to think of it., alotta people love me backnot so
weirs i guess.

pleass know how much i treasure you, if at least for right
now, you are a definite beauty of my life. you have changed
me/helped me/ thank you... and yr son has taught me that
yes, its ok, its ok, tell the truth, especiaaly when
someones askin, and it ain't a prob to cover