2003-12-13 23:09:50 (UTC)

Seriously, do you service yourself like ten times a day?

I love this movie.

Well I did nothing today. Caroline woke me up and we took
the puppies to the park. Which now that I think of it, is
exactly the kind of thing I mean. There was no fucking way
I wanted to MOVE this morning, let alone get up and get
dressed and go anywhere. I was so tired and my head hurt
so bad but I was there.

Last night was bad. I came home expecting her to work all
night and so I thought, ugh this sucks, but I'll just call
my aunt and maybe study, and whatever. But then I called
her to leave a message and say I'm sorry I was grumpy on
the phone about getting my lip done and they just sent her
home from work. So I'm like oh well, you know, they said
the party's going to be later and it's open bar until they
open to the public. And shes like oh you want to go and im
like yeah but we should go now, but she wanted to sleep and
said we'd go at 7. so i got dressed and showered and got
all cute and i drank for an hour, i drank a lot and then i
called her at 7. and shes too tired to get up. and then
its "no i'll come so you wont be mad" and im like fuck
that. I dont want you to come just so I wont be mad. So
we get into this 30 minute conversation and im so insanely
upset now because I already called my boss and told him we
were coming and now its too late to even bother and i hung
up. and i havent lost it like this in a long time. i was
literally on the floor screaming and kicking and hitting
and my little dog was freaking out and it was really bad
and i was screaming and then i grabbed my drink and left
and i kept saying im not doing it anymore over and over and
over and i tried to call ashley because all i wanted to do
was drive off a fucking bridge and im trying to drive while
i tore my car apart to find a razor and i start to cut my
hand and i stopped and parked my car and cut my ankle
instead and then i was calm for a minute but all i could
think was nice job, now i completely proved to her and
myself that im not any better than i ever was. so i called
her back and we talked for like 2 hours and then i was like
great, if i wasnt guna let her sleep, she should have been
here. and i passed out, he called me eight times, my phone
was right by my head and i didnt hear it. he called once
right after i laid down, and i was mean i was like "I'm
fucking sleeping" and hes like "i'll call you back" and im
like "ugh im sleeping" so i guess he did, eight times. so
today it was all "where the fuck were you last night,
where'd you go, who were you fucking." well not your
sister in spite of my best efforts. lol god im going to
hell. but my fucking arm hurts and its bruising and my leg
is sore and my head is still heavy i just feel like shit

so this morning my mother comes home with three big brown
bags and im like what is that and shes all "i see you drank
a lot last night, so i went to the liquor store."
and she got all kinds of shit. so we've been drinking all
afternoon. which is better than drinking by myself.

I cant wait to get on that plane. someone said yesterday
at work, "she might not come back hahahaha" and im like.
youre right. i might not.

i like my job for the most part. i really wanted to go to
that party. and i wont be here for it next year. im
pretty upset. but its too late now. i shouldve gone by

well. yeah.