blkdragon

grounded
2003-12-13 15:23:37 (UTC)

Tremble at my passing

10:30am Missing Nadean like nothing I've ever missed
before, or is this just loneliness.....and the costs of a
life under stress. I've got to distance myself and find my
center, then construct a plan of action and let nothing
stand in my way, this will mean doing what I don't want to
do and that will include Nadean in ways that sadden me.
I'm feeling like a disembodied spirit, floating with no
direction, at the mercy of the elements that destroy. I'm
taking charge and let anything standing in my way, tremble
at my passing!
I've invested the last ten months in courting Nadean and I
can't honestly say that she's invested any of her time
making any of this easy for me, now I must take stock and
view where I am and where I'd like to be, realistically. I
don't think this will bode well for my relationship with
Nadean and I've got to be strong enough to make the
changes necessary.
8:22pm Feeling calmer and not so sad or lonely now. There
is a tune by Jean Luc-Ponty called Life Enigma that haunts
me, makes me forlorn/pleased/excited/calm/hopeful and
other feelings I can only identify while listening. I've
been following this artist for the last 15 years or so and
he only gets better with each listening. I get so close to
crying when I hear the title cut, it reminds me of a
lithograph a friend got me for Xmas. I still have the
lithograph, it's a violin, an hourglass, a feathered quill
pen, a crystal decanter of red wine and a crystal
container filled with ink atop a silver filigreed tray on
sheet music. When I first saw the lithograph it reminded
me of all the loved ones that had passed from my life and
I was overcome with love, grief and loneliness.
I'm wondering why it seems so hard for me to let the tears
flow, got to work on that, don't want to be too repressed
in my emotional developement. Going to have to work on
that.
Washed my car, in the freezing cold, don't like the drive
thru's; mainly didn't want to spend the money, did spend $
to wash it, just not as much. Trying to get my son to go
out tonight, just want to be alone for a while, as if I'm
not alone enough. Don't want to get involved with anyone,
because it'll only be about sex, I don't care enough
about the other women in my life; as I do about Nadean!
They're ok to be around for short periods of time, sex is
the primary motivator and that's not enough for me, they
bore me and the silences are not comfortable.
I know that I can be around Nadean, without speaking and
still be comfortable, knowing that when we do speak the
conversations will be worthwhile and enlightening.
Nadean probes me and makes me want to probe her, not
physically, although that's the icing on the cake; but
spiritually/emotionally and mentally. I don't get that
with the other women in my life.




Ad: