The meanderings of a mind
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2003-12-12 18:35:15 (UTC)

Brick buildings and blue skies

I can't count the days I haven't written. I have other
things to do besides write today. Before writing became a
shore, it was something I loved to do. Something I could
not not do. It was my reason. Now my reason is all
jumbled up. Work, Class, make someone smile, hold a door
open so people don't hate me, return calls so I don't hate
myself. Writing has been shifted to the bottom. The charm
is warped and swollen with the puss of have to do this
first and don't have nothing to says I promise, tomorrow,
after all this. I'll do it. But it isn't there. Tomorrow
doesn't come for emptying my thoughts onto a screen. And
I'm stuck in today. A today that doesn't begin or end but
collaspes with minutes and seconds and stress pulls you
into a tight wire and you can't not eat all the hershey
kisses in your desk drawer. I'm sorry for not writing.
I'm sorry for me. It is for me and I have put it aside and
let it build up and make me sad. I can't make promises to
write when I know I'll break them. There is no part of the
day I can put aside for me and me alone because I am never
just me but I am me and the whole world too. I intended to
do so much this morning, meet with the advisors so they
could tell me, YES go my child and prosper in the real
world, but alas there are more papers to fill out, get a
paper signed that says YES! You out did yourself and you
can graduate with a minor. And yet another paper that
would say yes! I will meet with you, hold your hand
throughout this adventure and give you confidence, but here
I am, my stack of papers weighing in my backpack and none
of them are complete. NO one told me yes. All I have is
come back next week. It's your last shot. More stress
more deadlines I might not meet. But you do what you have
to do. And now I need to do more errands, but I wrote. If
i had put this on my to do this then maybe I could mark off
more items. When you write that you need to get something
done, just attempting doesn't count and you cannot mark it
off the list yet. My walls are papered in a to do this.
And to do I must do.