Katherine

Kat Eyes
2003-12-12 05:46:01 (UTC)

Important Blake Convo

Nocuous Inferno: if we don't talk it'll bug me
Nocuous Inferno: OCME BAK
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: ok
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: talk
Nocuous Inferno: ugh..
Nocuous Inferno: i dunno what to say
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: just say it
Nocuous Inferno: it's nothing new so i dunno.
Nocuous Inferno: well w/e look u know i like u, i mean i
dunno i just like you but omg i seriously don't know what's
goin gon with me cuz although i DO like you i don't know
what the fuck i want right now and at the same time i'm
like constantly thinking about u and i dunno i'm just
really confused and i dunno what to do
Nocuous Inferno: and i can't just like but u on a shelf
until i figure everything out. and it would prolly b in yer
best interest to just run away everytime u see me cuz it
seems like all i do is bring pain to ppl i like
Nocuous Inferno: but i that would make me sad cuz i like i
said i like you and it sucks ... heh... that kinda came out
funny. i just mean that liking u puts me in a bad situation
Nocuous Inferno: say sumthing pleez
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: wow
Nocuous Inferno: not the reaction i was expecting.. but u
didn't block me so i guess that's good
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: why would i block you?
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: well i definately didn't expect that
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: wow was my initial reaction
Nocuous Inferno: heh
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: i can't help you figure out what you
want. i'm sry that i sort of put you in this bad position
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: if i could help you, then i would. but we
both know that i can't
Nocuous Inferno: well you can't control my feelings so it's
in no way yer fault. but i dunno... UGH dude seriously,
lately it's been all about the cock for me (sorru about the
mental picture) which is why i don't understand why this is
happeing
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: lol
Nocuous Inferno: i mean is this even a possiblity (i know
we've brought it up b4) but is it? cuz if it's not then
that makes this easier, it'll hurt, but my decision will b
made. if it is a possibility... well then i still dunno
what the fuck to do
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: i mean is this..what do you mean by 'this'
Nocuous Inferno: and i'm sorry if i've done n ething ot
hurt u or make u feel led on but i'm just really confused
and i don't mean to play with u
Nocuous Inferno: us going out, would u ever go for that?
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: yes
Nocuous Inferno: ugh... don't get me wrong i'm jumping with
joy on the inside but this doesn't make things n e cleaer
for me
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: people can't help what they feel. if we
could just stop feeling what we do, then we'd all had
perfect lives
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: this might sound corny but i dk how else
to say it (its incredibly lae at night for me)
Nocuous Inferno: if i walk away for 5 min for niquil will u
still b on?
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: can u get a phone/
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: it'd be SO much easier
Nocuous Inferno: i get yelled at for being on the fone this
late (this is late for my dad)
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: ok
Nocuous Inferno: if not then we can talk later i guess
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: yea i'll be on
Nocuous Inferno: ok brb
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: ok
Nocuous Inferno: bak
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: well..i'll just say the corny thing cause
i dk how else to say it. i would really like a
relationship, but i don't want you to b pressured to do
anything cause i know you're conflicted with a lot right now
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: and i figured that you just decided
against the ever-possibility so i just gave up
Nocuous Inferno: ugh.. ok well i just wanna let u know a
bunch of stuff that's going on in my head just so u can hav
a better understanding. we can hav this convo ow or tomolo
if u hafta go
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: i'll be up late
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: i have more hw than i did last night, so
i'll be on awhile
Nocuous Inferno: ok
Nocuous Inferno: so here goes
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: ok
Nocuous Inferno: ok well since i found out i was into guys
in freshamn year, i noticed that it was ALL physicall
attraction. i had NEVER EVER had feelings for a guy and
never wanted to have feelings for them. i planned to live
my life as i origanally planned with a wife and kids and a
dog and a white fence
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: lol
Nocuous Inferno: but then i fell for matt hard core but i
figured it was just a one time thing. now don't get me
wrong i had very strong feelings for u and then tatum after
that but no feelings i've had for the girls were quite up
there as high as i had for matt. (PLEEZ don't take this
wrong i'm not saying i like thought of matt when i was with
u or even thought about him while we went out it was all
about KATA. i'm just saying that looking bak on how i felt,
my feelings for matt were just stronger.
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: lo its cool i understand
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: *lol
Nocuous Inferno: n e ways things didn't work out with me
and u or me and tatum and life went on as normal with the
physical attraction to both and emotional JUST for girls...
but in the begining of this year i've sorta found myself
having feelings for guys like crushes and stuff not just
like "... hey i want some of that" more like "wow this
person has a really good personality, hmm.. wouldn't it be
nice to hav a relationship with them?"
Nocuous Inferno: and that kinda freaked me out
Nocuous Inferno: cuz i never thought i'd obtain feelings
for a guy that easily
Nocuous Inferno: so now i dunno what the hell to do cuz
gurls were always up higher on the list then guys
Nocuous Inferno: and slowly the scale is tipping the other
way
Nocuous Inferno: i meani could NEVER be gay (or at least
thats what i say now) cuz honestly i DO want the wife and
kids and the dog and fence and maybe i can just hook up
with some drunk football players at a party but i DONT"
want like a long term boyfriend... i just i duno that's
weird and kinda grosses me out i dunno it's just not
something i desire
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: lol
Nocuous Inferno: but still none the less i'm kinda more
into guys right now and then you come along and everything
starts getting questioned again
Nocuous Inferno: and i mean fuck dude say we go thru with
this and it works and wow it's great like til mid senior
year and then i'm like "kat... i'm gay" dude i could never
fucking do that to you
Nocuous Inferno: and i guess that is prolly one of my
biggest fears about this. is if i go for it i can
potentionally really hurt u and that's the LAST thing i
wanna do
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: i am willing to take that chance
Nocuous Inferno: see and this is where i get to be the dick
and say "i dont know if i am" and what then? i can't expect
you to wait. i dunno how long it's gonna take me to figure
all this out. and fuck maybe my indecision tells you that
i'm not worth wasting your time on
Nocuous Inferno: but i just dunno and i just had to bring
it up cuz i really don't want either of us to get hurt to b
honest
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: i dk how much u knew
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: but i was incredibly hurt the first time
we broke up
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: so this is sort of a "been ther/done
that" scenerio
Nocuous Inferno: i know, and BECAUSE i know how much i hurt
you, i NEVER want to do that to you again.
Nocuous Inferno: and i dunno another part of my is saying
WE TRIED THIS ALREADY!! IT DIDN"T WORK REMEMBER!!!
Nocuous Inferno: yet i stil feel the same
Nocuous Inferno: UGH
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: me too
Nocuous Inferno: i duno well that's a nice song huh? make
me happy cuz i like it, but then sad cuz i think of what i
must b putting u thru
Nocuous Inferno: heh
Nocuous Inferno: word of advice stay close to the rally
straight guys and flee from the ones your not so sure baout
Nocuous Inferno: lol
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: it is a nice song. then i listened to the
lyrics and i was like 'uhhhh...'
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: yea..but like u said...we can't really
help what we feel...can we.
Nocuous Inferno: the middle (which is lke the saddest part)
is my favorite :-)
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: lol
Nocuous Inferno: lol
Nocuous Inferno: no we can't help it
Nocuous Inferno: but i don't want to throw myself into this
blindly cuz that will just end bad
Nocuous Inferno: lets just take it one day at a time. f
feelings change then we'l inform the other , if u get fed
up with my bs, lemme know, n e thing... i dunno. but i can
tell u now... i dont see myself having an answer this week
Nocuous Inferno: but who knows?
Nocuous Inferno: just don't hold yer breathe
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: ok
Nocuous Inferno: i'm glad i finally grew a pair and brough
it up, but now i hafta go try to sleep
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: lol
Nocuous Inferno: i'll see ya tomolo?
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: alright
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: nite
Nocuous Inferno: n e thing else u wnated to add b4 i go?
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: *thinking*
Nocuous Inferno: k
Nocuous Inferno: take yer time
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: i miss u
Nocuous Inferno: heh, i miss ya too
XxtHeMaDkAtTerxX: nite
Nocuous Inferno: nite
Nocuous Inferno signed off at 11:12:18 PM.