Knowledge is Wisdom: Let others Learn
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2003-12-12 00:29:03 (UTC)

Battling Old Scars

After a year and a half I am still battling with the
consequences of the decisions I made when I was with
Jamey. It seems stange that I would still doubt myself
and feel hurt by what I did. It still seems so unreal to
me to think that I was ever pregnant because of the quick
decision I made to terminate the pregnancy, and yet the
pain that came from the abortion is more real than
anything I have ever felt. Most days I don't regret what
I did, in fact most days I don't even think about it at
all but then someone will say something about being oposed
to abortion and a flood of emotion passes through me.
I talked with my step sister a little bit about the
feelings that I went through and she writes back telling
me in not so many words that I am a sinner and that she
does not agree with it. So many people say that they
don't believe in abortion and then it is like murder and
when those people get on their soap box and begin to
preach to me about sin and what is right and wrong all I
want to do is scream at them that they do not understand.
I use to be one of those people who said that abortion was
not acceptable unless there was some highly unusual
circumstances surrounding the decision, such as conception
by means of rape. I use to be one of those women who
looked down upon other women who had made the decision to
end their babies life, and then at the ripe age of 19 I
concieved a child and was faced with making a decision
about the rest of my life. So many people get caught up
with the idea of that embryo being a living person, and
while I don't disagree with that point they forget to look
at a bigger picture. If it was just about whether or not
to keep that child, there wouldn't have been a decision to
make. I would have kept it. But, unfortunately, that's
not all that influences a decision like that. For me it
was so much more. I had to look at myself, I was only 19
years old and still a kid myself. I was trying to go to
college and I knew that alone I wasn't ready to be a
mother, let alone a parent which is something different
all together. Financially I would have been incapable of
supporting that child on my own and I knew myself well
enough to know that after carrying that baby to term I
wouldn't have been able to give it up for adoption. Then
I had to look at the father of the child, a social misfit
who knew nothing of having a parent let alone being one.
He barely knew how to take care of himself. He made
plenty of money to support a child, but he was still just
a kid who selfishly threw his money away on his own
material desires, and that wouldn't have changed because
of a child. And along with the idea of being selfish, I
was too - especially when I knew I didn't want to have to
spend the rest of my life tied to a person who I was
embarased to be seen with. Could I have gotten help with
the child and not had to have counted on him? Yes, but I
didn't want to be one of those kids who has a kid and
makes their parent raise it.
So the bottom line is that I knew I couldn't give my child
the kind of life I wouldn't want it to have and I knew I
couldn't give it up, so I decided to end its life. Was it
a sin? I'm not sure where I stand on that, perhaps it was
and so there is nothing that can be done about that. As
for those people who tell me I was wrong, well let them be
faced with that decision and see where they end up. If
they can keep their child then they are a stronger person
than I, and if they don't keep their child I will not be
the one to condem them. If a woman ever came to me asking
for help in making this decision I would tell her that I
would not think her wrong. And yet still I hurt because
of that very decision.
I know that I will never overcome the pain that was caused
by it, and I know that for the rest of my life I will see
children who are about the right age and wonder what it
would have been like. I know that now I want a child more
than anything because I threw away the opportunity to be a
mother. So, to those same women who may one day ask my
opinion on the matter, I will also tell them that they
will have to be strong. I will tell them about the
heartache and the tears that will come. I will tell them
about the anger and violence you feel towards the pro-life
posters and stickers you will see. I will tell them that
they will one day be sitting in a room and the topic will
come up and some girl with narrowly thought out opinions
will call you wrong and you will know how hipicritical
they are being and want to yell at them, "What the hell do
you know about it anyway? Have you been there? Have you
ever had to make that decision?" and then I will tell them
that you will sit there silent because you are afraid of
what people might say. I will tell them that with that
silence you are torturing yourself, but you won't have the
energy to stand up for yourself because you will forever
question the decision that you made, and so the cycle
begins again. But then I will tell them that they are
stronger than those people who do not know and say you are
wrong, because you were brave enough to make a decision
that you knew would leave scars for you to battle against
for the rest of your life.

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