Life As A Teen-Age Girl
2003-12-11 14:43:52 (UTC)


I am so confused right now. I don't know what I'm going to do. I
don't even know what I want to do. I guess this whole situation is
my own fault. That's what I get for always trying to please
everybody but myself. I am stuck in the craziest situation and I don't
know how to handle it. I am currently talking to two boys while I
have a boyfriend. OK I started talking to Anthony first. But it won't
like I started talking to him because I liked him as more than a
friend or anything (I know that sounds mean). But the only reason I
even started talking to him was because I felt sorry for him. My
friend had just done him so wrong and he was really hurt. So I was
trying to be a good friend and talk to him about his problems and
help him feel better. But then he started telling me stuff like he had
liked me (as more than a friend) since middle school and stuff like
that. And he was being really hard on himself and he was saying
things like he wasn't good enough for me or my friend. So I started
feeling sorry for him and I told him that I liked him too but I didn't
want to mess up our friendship. Honestly I only said it because I
thought that it would just make him feel better. But then he said he
wanted us to be more than friends. So I told him I didn't know if I
was ready for a relationship yet and we basically agreed to be
exclusive friends (meaning we couldn't try to hook up with anyone
else or anything else until we had decided what we wanted to
happen between us). Well I really just wanted us to be friends. But
I didn't know how to tell him that. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I
felt like he'd been hurt enough already. Besides I don't really think
he's my type. He's a good boy and I'm really into aggressive bad
boys. Anthony told my friend Samantha that he don't even know
how to kiss. And that was when I knew for sure that it wasn't going
to work. Even though I'm a virgin I like to be very affectionate with
my boyfriends. I want a guy that's going to smack my ass, kiss me
passionately, hold me, and all that other good stuff. So I just know
that it wouldn't have worked out between me and him.
Now enter Jey. I had liked Jey for a while but when I found out he
had a girlfriend I basically dismissed any thoughts I had about us
getting together. Plus I used to mess with two of his really close
friends and I didn't think that he would want to talk to me knowing
that. However I later found out that I was wrong. He asked one of
his friends that I had messed with for my phone number. I didn't
know it until he told me the next day. He wanted to know why I
hadn't answered my phone when he had called me. I was so
surprised and happy when he told me that he had called me. And
when I asked him why he'd called he said he just wanted to talk to
me. Well he ended calling me again and we finally got to talk.
When we were talking for the first time he was trying to find out
who I liked. So I told him that there were three people that I liked
and he asked me for names. So I gave him two names but I
wouldn't tell him who the third person was. So anyway he made
me promise to tell him at school the next day. We had a class
together the next morning and I was to shy to tell him then. So I
waited until lunch and when he was leaving I told him that I liked
him. But then his girlfriend came and snatched him up. It didn't
really matter though because he called me that night and we
talked about everything. We decided to talk even though he had a
girlfriend. He said it was nothing wrong with having conversations
and his girl wouldn't mind because she knew he had female
friends. Well we still talk and I really like him. I want to be with him.
But him and his girl are still together. Plus I see how me and him
are even though he has a girl so I think he'd do the same thing to
me if the two of us were to hook up. And like I said he has a
girlfriend and I know that he doesn't plan on leaving her any time
soon if ever. He told me that he wanted me to wait for him and I
told him that I would try. But I don't really like to wait especially not
for a boy.
This is where my boyfriend comes in. His name is Bernard. Me and
his sister Shane are really kool. So anyway Shane had started
talking to my brother. But anyway one day Shane told me that her
brother wanted to talk to me. So I said that was kool with me. I was
actually kind of excited because that meant that I was going to be
talking to her brother and she was going to be talking to mine. Well
finally after a lot of games and back and forth between me and
Bernard we finally started talking. And within a week we were
together and had told each other that we loved each other (yeah I
know things happened really fast). Well I really do love him. He's
my heart. But we've been having so many problems lately. We
argue either every day or every other day and it is really getting on
my nerves because I'm not a person that likes to argue. And I've
realized that Bernard is very jealous. He was about to break up
with me because he saw this boy he don't like standing near me in
the gym. I coudn't believe it. I mean I don't understand what's
happening between us. He's made me cry and I've made him cry
(and he doesn't cry over anything) and it's just crazy. I don't know. I
mean we both just care about each other so much and we just
don't want to lose each other. And both of us are very jealous. But
it's also kind of sweet. We'd both do anything for each other. But I
also doubt my love for him sometimes. Because I feel like if i really
loved him then I wouldn't have these feelings for Jey. But I know
that I do love Bernard. And I also know that I love Jey. I'm so
I just realized that I love Jey like recently. He had two seizures and
was put in the hospital. I didn't find out about it until the day before
he got out. I was so upset when I found out. I was crying
uncontrollably and I kept trying to imagine my life without him. But I
couldn't do it. I just couldn't see myself living without him (I know it
sounds crazy). But he called me Friday when he got home and we
talked all that weekend. Then Saturday night...well make that
4:00am Sunday morning he had another seizure. He called me
from the hospital Sunday when I got home from church and told
me. But I'd told him that I loved him the Friday he'd called me. He
told me that he'd already realized that he loved me. Then he
reminded me that when he'd told me that he loved me I'd thought
that he was joking. Everything is just so crazy. I'm in love with two
different people and I don't know what to do. (deep sigh) I'm going
to have to figure something out soon because I can't handle all of
this emotional stress.