A Dreamer's Playground
2003-12-11 06:08:03 (UTC)


Have you ever had a friend... that you care about ...
and worry about so much that you can instantly be crying
over them? Someone who you love so much ... that the idea
of them being hurt ... just kills you inside... but they do
things to hurt themselves... so you're always crying over
them... and you're so sick of crying over them that you
begin to hate them...
To me that is Aaron ...

I have always been there for Aaron... I stood by him
while his girlfriend cheated on him... we understood each
other... we both hurt a lot and we both felt we had nothing
to live for. We supported each other... and I grew to love
He was the only person there for me who understoodwhat
I was feeling... the only person who felt the same as I ...
the only person I knew who had been hurt by somebody they
had desperately tried to love. We were both cheated on...
we were both hurt... we were both often in pain...

Somewhere down the line... somehow... I overcame my
pain and suffering... I think mainly because I was stoned
most the time to ignore the pain that was there... but I
was slowly eased out of depression.
Aaron never did escape his... not fully... not even
after he got over the break up with his long-term cheating

Aaron hears voices... he's the stereotypical poster
child for somebody with problems... when he's depressed he
feels a demon overcomes him ... and he is no longer
I hate his demon side...
When he's depressed he cuts himself... or he even
tries to overdose on pills... I'm always worried about
him... When I get to talk to him online when he's
depressed ... it's horrible... He barely responds or he's
not himself... and he doesn't even remember anything I say
to try to let him know how much I care... not by the time
he's back to his normal self anyway...
I don't want him to die... I'm so sick of having to
worry about him killing himself... I'm so sick of worrying
about losing him... and I'm so fucking sick of crying over
Nobody else I knows pops themselves full of pills when
they're depressed, tells me about it and has me bawling my
eyes out in seconds.
I hate the way he makes me feel anymore...

For a while Aaron had a crush on my friend Jen. He
became so inconsiderate to me because of how much he liked
her... he was depressed one night and that was the first
night I ever stopped and ... just felt ... how I would feel
if he wasn't alive anymore... he took a lot of pills like
usual... so I was worried as hell, crying for over an hour
straight because of his sorry ass POURING my heart out the
entire time... then he ims me on a different screen name
and just says, " Stacey can tell Jen I was thinking about
I just lost it... I flipped out on him... about how
I'm worried as hell, crying over him... fearing what it
would be like if he was dead ... and he doesn't respond for
a second but then ims me to tell me to let Jen know he was
thinking about her ???
I started yelling at him that he better not EVER make
me cry over him and THEN ask me to tell somebody else that
he was thinking of them... while I'm pouring my heart out
to him and I can't for a second stop crying over him ... he
better not EVER make me feel so unimportant ... while I
don't even know if a single word I'm saying to him matters
or if he knows I care or if he even cares that I care!! And
then he just makes it seem like he wasn't paying attention
at all ?
He made me feel so pathetic and unwanted... unloved
and unneeded. He can so easily make me feel hate for
him... but when I'm with him he can also so easily make me
feel that he cares... I hate it... I hate crying over
him... I hate feeling this much pain over him... I hate the
way he makes me feel most of the time...

He imed me tonight... and told me he had found some
old pills he used to have for a prescription.. muscle
relaxers .. and something else... so of course I'm worried
about the asshole because he started it with I need drugs.
So this is the start to why I'm yet again instantly
crying... and why yet again ... I question why the hell do
I love him ?

Aaron was the first person in my life... to ever make
me feel beautiful... so sincerely ... it made me cry ...
nobody ever made me feel like they cared so much with one
statement before in my life... "Stacey... you are
beautiful... do not change for anybody."
All my life I had been picked on and ridiculed for
being fat... even my mother would heartlessly comment on my
weight ... everybody made me feel so ... practically
deformed and disgusting... I hated the way I looked... and
to hear that ... My heart just broke from hearing something
I never thought anybody would ever say about me... I mean
you hear one thing all your life... how is it possible to
be beautiful? How??

Is that why I love him so much? Is that small glimpse
of sincerity and caring... worth all this pain?