Live My LIfe
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2003-12-08 19:47:15 (UTC)

Thinking makes me crabby

Hey Hey-
Been thinking lots over the weekend. Had so many issues
to deal with. My house is so sucky right now. My moms only
present for everybody is cookies that takes her like 3
weekes to make. She makes like 10 different kinds then
wraps them in a box and thats her present for christmas.
How sad is that? We're so poor we give cookies for
presents. Better then what im giving. Nothing with some
nada inside. Ha. Yeah and then theres the whole not really
caring about life thing. Dont know what it is. Been having
very big tendencys to just overdose on my heart medication.
Makes my life easier knowing i have such a simple way out
when i need it. They all think im so happy. So carefree.
Amanda understands. She can relate. But the only reason she
knows is because i told her. Couldnt stand it any longer.
In one of our notes i said we should get some help. We were
both dealing with issues far bigger then us that we couldnt
take anymore. She said we werent that bad. But i think i
am. I believe if life pushes me any further to the edge i
might just jump. Never thought that me of all ppl would be
so weak but i cant help it. Theres too much to take now.
Too much to try and swallow. Wish things were better. Wish
i wasnt so poor. Wish i had a dad. I miss my daddy. I loved
him so much and he left me. left me all to myself. Dont
know how i managed when i was younger. I was told it was
for the better. I was told he deserved it. My own "mother"
said he deserved it. she doesnt know what its like to grow
up w/o a father. w/o that warm hug to run to. she doesnt
know anything. no one does. I dont even know anything
anymore. Eh. w/e. i guess im done for now...