Grace

40 acres and a jag
2003-12-07 15:29:07 (UTC)

in-laws and urchins

andy and his baggage r here today. i hate being around
kids who r allowed to run amok. in the day (not too long
ago), it was the bourgy white people's kids. now u see
people of color raising these ill-mannered brats; i guess
it makes them feel more like the bourgy crackers they want
to imitate. whatever. i HATE bad ass kids.

i still dream about having kids, but it's too late for me.
not that 44 is over the hill, but i don't feel like
raising any more people; john is bad enough. he thinks
he's ready to be a dad. he doesn't appreciate all the work
and dedication it takes to be a good parent. i'd take that
very seriously. my brother-in-law probably loves his kid,
but he's not through growing up; let's not talk about his
teen-aged wife. shit, the kid will probably be raising
them when she starts talking. she gets her way already.

sometimes i wish i was still single. i used to think it
was awful to say that; i read an article where some woman
wished she was single for some off time to herself. i
guess that's what i need. yesterday, i snapped. i was
watching a movie and had to leave the front room cos
lester was smoking (very allergic to the shit). it pissed
me off because i can't go anywhere in this fucking house
without smelling a gotdamn ashtray. why did i marry a
smoker? stupid me thought he'd quit like he promised.

i envy ashley having her own house and shit. people throw
money at folks who have kids. i wish, i wish, i wish. when
we first got married, john said i could have someone on
the side if he didn't sexually please me. i was horrified
at the idea. now i toy with the idea. i don't want to hurt
his feelings, but things need to get better with us. i
can't keep this up for another two or four years. these
past two years have been awful. i'm surprised i'm still
standing. i want my own home, my own income and my own
life.

i'm not ungrateful for what his relatives have done.
they've helped me when my own so-called relatives turned
their backs on me. they did it for john's sake, but i have
benefit of the fallout. i need to talk. i need to find a
good therapist like patti. if we don't go overseas, we
gotta move to a metro area. i can't stand the sticks
anymore. and i hate arkansas. the unnatural state. don't
ever come here! you'll regret spending your life here.




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