An inconcluded life
2003-12-06 22:29:55 (UTC)

The fat lady has sung

and so it goes for this, for everything. I don't even know
why on earth I'd just sit here and write to you.
Wondering maybe why are you like that, why do you treat me
the way you do if I don't think I deserve it. Then you
lie to me. Telling me compassionate lies will just worsen
things. Why would you tell me that you would write an
email? that you just hadn't done it because you were
hoping to come up with fancy words?

Yeah, I guess it is time to stop giving you a hard time.
Because while I do that, I am hurting myself. Just for
the record... I did understand when you said it the first
time. And if you think that with the attitude you have
towards me I will forget about you, you are wrong.

Let me put it this way. Despite the fact that I was just
a stupid little game for you, you became the world to me.
Day by day, little by little, you watered the plant and
you put fertilizer into it. And somehow, it seemed to me
that you were trying really hard. But things kind of went
out of your hands. Maybe you never expected to become my
world. Maybe you just expected me to keep on playing the
game. Maybe... Once I read about that word: maybe. It
comes out of uncertainty and cowardy. Maybe things would
have been different if... Maybe he thinks that... Maybe
he's acting this way because... Maybe. I think I tried
way too many times to clarify the maybe's. And maybe
that's what hurts me more? That no matter how hard I
tried to fix things, I seemed to be doing the exact
opposite: messing them up.

Your ultimate goal is to hurt me because that way I will
back off and let you be. Well, you are definitely
achieving it, you are hurting me... big time. I just want
to forget all about you, but I can't. However, I promise
I will. Again, I apologize for being such a nuisance and
for being so insistent and necia. It's just human
nature. You try to save what you love when you feel it is
vanishing. You took care of the little plant and you made
it strong. Its leaves grew strong with bright colors
resembling happines. But something happened and you
decided that beautiful was bad. You threw the pot out the
window and didn't even look to see how it landed. Yes,
the plant came out of the pot in a sunless place with no
access to water. It has to die at some point, but not
just now. It will take a while because it was strong and
beautiful. Because it was used to receiving water every
single day and to hear the most wonderful words on earth.
But now it's there, laying on the floor, begging for
mercy. And yes, today you tried getting rid of it by
stepping on it. But all you've done is just make the pain
stronger... don't worry, the end is near and soon you will
only have the memory of that plant that once gave you it's
most splendorous tones of green and the most beautiful and
scented flowers just for you to enjoy, to make you happy
and to feel a smile coming out of you. But I won't cry
any more. I won't cry because it is over... instead I
will be happy because it happened.