Lizzerbeans

Life is like a bowl of Cherries
2003-12-06 05:18:02 (UTC)

i'm in that place once again

I spent time with Aaron last friday. It was... hmm..
bittersweet. It made me miss him a whole lot. A whole lot.
That time put the hope in my mind of a possible
reconciliation between us, that I'd wind up as his
girlfriend again. I wanted that so badly. I guess I still
do. I do want it. But I know I don't need it.

I don't want to keep on betting, keep on guessing, throw
the dice and take your chances. No. I want to play for
keeps. When we broke up, it was such a big deal to me to
find something deeper. I can't put my finger on what was
lacking in our relationship, except God. So, when our
relationship ended, I wanted something deeper, something
more godly.. and I don't see him as being deeper, or more
godly. And I don't see myself as becoming deeper or more
godly if I'm with him. In les mis they say, "Love is
looking at the face of God." The Bible says God is love. So
if it's not godly, how can it be love?

I don't even know why I'm thinking like this, any
relationship with him is not even an option anymore.

He told me about some experiences that I didn't approve of,
and it upset me, but I feel like such a hypocrite, because
I know there are a ton of things I've done twice as bad.
Aaaa. Why can't I let go? It's been so long, and I try so
hard, every day to say "God you take this situation and
make it yours. I don't want to put my hope in Aaron
anymore. " and I know God hears me, I know He's there, and
I know that His timing is the best timing.. but I am so
sick of hurting, and I don't know why these feelings for
him won't go away.

"Now it's over, can't forget what you said, and I never
want to do this again, HEARTBREAKER. "

"the only place i can go is into (YOUR) arms where i throw
to you my feeble prayer/ in brokenness i can see this was
your will for me/help me to know you are near"