listen to my silences
at first i wanted to title this lonely, because it seemed
to capture what i am feeling. and then i realized that
feeling lonely and feeling alone are two different things.
i feel alone.
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my
if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still love her over me
i listened to that song a lot today. don't know why. i
mean i do, but i don't. i've been on a radio kick that's
affected me so much that even when i want to hear a
particular song on a cd i don't. i still listen to the
radio. yeah, i know, i'm weird.
i've come to find that a lot of things remind me of brandon
now. i guess they did before, i just wouldn't let them. i
don't know. but now, they really affect me. and now, it
doesn't matter. why? enter brittney. blah.
there are so many things that i could put in here. i
remember writing all of those day to day things. and i do
want to put them in here...but then again i don't. because
in light of everything, they don't seem important. i know
they are, because the everyday little things are what make
the day. and what make the days pass. so...i'm going to
there's a guy at work that has a crush on me. his name is
david. he's from puerto rico. and crush isn't the right
word. he's convinced that he's in love with me...and that
secretly i am in love with him too or that i love him or
something to that effect. umm...how about...NO.
i finally met jonathon's girlfriend the other day. she
seems pretty sweet. yay! i'm fairly certain that she
thinks i'm bonkers. yeah, don't know where that word came
from but it just popped in my head and wahlah there it is.
brodie doesn't have time for me. i wish i'd quit thinking
about that. everytime i do i get upset and hurt all over
again. i mean, he didn't say hey get out of my life. i
told him not to be a stranger and he had my numbers. he
said i don't really have time. i said hey even a five
minute hey what's up would be cool. he just said megan i
do not have time for that. ouch.
why does everything i touch
have to fall apart?
stupidity, cause here i am again.
worthless, empty, heart.
i tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
i've been alone out there
this crap with the apartment just keeps getting worse and
worse. i am doing so much damage to myself staying here,
but i just can't leave. be it my stubbornness, or my lack
of will to hurt someone, or possibly fear...i just...i
can't. i need to get out of this situation. but where do
i go? therein lies the problem. the only place i can go
is nowhere. now, if i knew where that is, trust me i'd
already be there. but i don't, so i'm here. and i don't
want to think that here is nowhere because if it is then
i'm not only screwed but i am royally screwed.
ty came into town a couple of days ago. it was awesome! i
miss him so much.
stephen and i have hung out a lot. we're going to be doing
some acting/touring stuff together. we're both so freaking
excited! omigosh you have no idea. woohoo! he and i were
in the car the other day and this song came on...so tell me
why don't you and i get together,take on the world and be
together forever...you know the one i'm talking about?
well he had the greatest comment to this part...so tell me
why don't you and i get together, fly to the moon and
straight on to heaven, cause without you they're never
gonna let me in...are you ready for it? here's what he
said: oh yeah, i forgot about the couples rule. lol! i
don't know. i thought it was hilarious. guess you had to
work's been...all right i guess. i still have fun there.
which is what matters. nancy's being screwy with the
hours. she can't decide if she's going to give them or
take them. today we found out that yesterday's money bag
is short a four hundred some odd dollars and cents check.
ouch. yeah it was a crazy madhouse back behind the jewelry
counter today. janel, kevin, anita, janee, john, and
catherine were all back there looking for it...at the same
time! and also at the same time i was doing the audit.
the store manager, three of the assistant managers, a
department manager, security, and me, all behind our little
l-shaped counter at once. all i have to say is: good thing
i'm little. lol. we never did find it. which means lots
of bad things and could mean even more lots of bad things...
i haven't been to therapy for several weeks. my sister's
birthday was one week, then connie had to cancel, then last
week they couldn't fit me in because someone else that she
had to cancel with was in that time slot, then this week
they double booked her and i thought i wasn't going to get
to go again, but we were able to fit me in during a
different time. so that's good. i asked brandon to come
with me. he's going to. unless i change my mind. i can't
decide if him coming is good or not. i don't know. i
i feel little.
i can't conceal my disappointment forever
one of these days it's going to shine through
and then what
final thought: if i told you this was killing me, would you