2003-12-05 00:06:21 (UTC)

here without you baby.

well today wasnt bad.

im weird today. like just numb, staying busy, carrying on
and not getting upset.

i went to class... then i cleaned the whole house, did 5
loads of mom's laundry and 2 of mine, cleaned out the
refrigerator and cupboards, washed the kitchen floor, then
i went and saw Dad for a little bit, he should be out
tomorrow or the next day... then i bought groceries cus mom
hasnt had time, i made soup, and then i fell asleep... he
and i had a big time fight this afternoon, cus hes a
fucking brainless moron, and i didnt even get upset. like
i dont even give a shit. then caroline sorta pissed me off
again, cus she called when i was at the hospital and when i
called her back, shes like talking to me normal but shes
hanging up christmas lights with the fat bitch. like i
need that in my life. and yeah, he made some comment in
humanities today that sort of hurt my feelings, but i was
cleaning this afternoon, thinking, there was a time when
that would have made me cry right then and there. and i
dont even care. i didnt even get upset when i hung up with
her either. im like WEIRD today. totally numb.

theres cute new Ani stuf on the jammie
pants and a hoodie and somethin else, i forget. im making
somethin cute for claudia=)

well its about time for friends so im guna make another
pitcher of margaritas. we have been drinking every night
for a long time now. my mom said something about it last
night cus she was working and i went out to smoke and i
made a drink and shes like "we're drinking a lot." and i
was like. yeah.

im guna go up there again soon. then in the spring. then
we'll move there.

i was thinking today. i could be a house wife. all these
girls who are all "independent" and careery... no. i mean,
i do want a meaningful career. i AM going to get my phd.
but i wouldnt mind just cleaning and cooking and taking
care of my kid. it wouldnt bother me the way it apparently
bothers some women. "i could do this. i could be a fuckin
housewife. id be very happy." i would be happy being a
housewife, if i didnt have to marry someone lol.

i think i might start christmas shopping tomorrow night. i
really like shopping alone now. and my aunt and i are guna
decide tonight what week im going up there this month, so i
can get the flight and tell work. it wont be the week of
the 5th, cus thats when the kids go back to school, so its
cool, i can work for caroline that week and she can maybe
work for me the week im not there, unless its christmas and
we dont work anyway. i wonder if shes going to the
christmas party. i wonder if shes going to bring that
fucking whore. that would really set me over the edge,
because i dont think im going to go, unless maybe she
goes, but i would fucking lose my cookies over that one.
maybe i should let her know that ahead of time. because i
still want to puke about thanksgiving. and the thought of
them decorating for christmas. god make me sick.

calgon. take me away.