just a normal life
2003-12-04 23:28:25 (UTC)

I wanna run with youuuu

Well kiddos,

I talked to Steve last night and I was greeted with a much
warmer welcome than usual. He's so confusing. I just
wanted to be like... Steve, why are you so GAY! lol
seriously! I don't get him! and how one minute he can like
not even want to talk to me and the next he can be all
flirtatious! I'm sick of it! If thats how he really is
then I realized that I don't want someone like that

I mean don't get me wrong, I still think he's a great guy
n all, but maybe not what i'm really looking for. And not
that I get much of an opportunity to figure out if he's
really what i'm ... looking for... when he lives a
thousand miles away! I mean i feel like I don't really
even know the real him! I see 2 different sides to him all
the time and I don't know if thats just cuz of the
situation we're in and the situation he's in... or what!?
I don't know! lol I really don't.

But anywayz... ahhh ::sigh:: I mean... alright...
sometimes I do wonder what it'd be like if me and James
were ever together. I mean I love James sooo much! He's
one of the greatest people in my life! He really is and I
love so much that I can be the person i want to be when
i'm with him and I can talk to him about ANYTHING! and
that he can talk to me about anything! I think he can
anywayz... and that i love hanging out with him and he's
like a best friend to me!! and he's even gotten pretty

But I mean, granted all those things are obviously great
characteristics to have and I want to be with someone like
that... at the same time... I just don't think it could
ever work with James. And I'm not even saying because I
wouldn't want to risk the friendship... which I wouldn't,
but I have a feeling that me and James would still be
friends afterwards. But I mean even with homecoming, we
weren't going out or anything, but the fact that I knew
that he liked me and thats why he asked me and that I just
wanted to be friends... things just got real weird real
fast! I couldn't even look at him in the eye or talk to
him like normal. And I mean, yea with time things got
better and I was like okay, things are normal, we're jsut
friends again.

Which is why I don't think that I could handle a more than
friends with James. I don't know why, sometimes I wish I
could. But I just don't think I can! Sometimes I hate the
way I am, I just wish I had the power to make my
relationships work! but somehow I always get freaked out
by them and things get weird and I pick out all the things
that bug me about that persno that wouldn't normally
bother me at all.

And I always think, well this one will be different! But
so far... they've all been the same!! And thats why I'm
afraid to get in any relationships in the future! Its like
I want to make sure that if i do, its gonna be on ethat
lasts... But how am i supposed to know! I mean so far
everytime i've thought, I think this one will last longer,
this seems different! But its never really changed!

And I mean the first couple times its easy to write off,
but after a couple more, its like... is it me that has the
problem here? Cuz it seems like most people can say that
they've had at least one relationship that has lasted at
least like at least 3 months or something, or maybe thats
just what I think and i'm actually wrong. That'd be nice
to find out that I'm just being stupid and I'm no where
near alone in not having had a really good relationship
with someone... haha I don't know i guess I shouldn't
worry about it! As long as when I find the right guy I can
keep him. Thats all I ask

ahh soo yess... umm... What to say... I wanna always feel
like part of this was miineee... I wanna fall in love
tonightttt. Crimsoonn and clovverr over and overrr
crimsooonnn and clooverrr ovverrr and overrrr
go Jimmy Eat World! woo hoo

Alright I guess I'm done for now. Steve's online but i
have an away message up lol. okay nevermind i don't
anymore cuz joel's on and i never get to talk to him
anymore! ooh okay so I should just IM steve I guess its
like I'm playing a game with him if I'm all like.. I'll
wait for him to IM meee... and I don't really like playing
games sooo alright I will!

lol what!? he said he 1 min in a lil meeting? I don't know
what that means but I'm gonna go get back to homework and
such! Adios! Godbless!!!