Rainey

Mien Kompf
2003-12-04 20:02:07 (UTC)

Your words into me

I've done alot better since the other day. I think that
was one of those days where you just cant do any better
than shit. Where everything seems wrong in your life, and
the world begins to collapse on your shoulders...
Sometimes I forget that I will have bad days. So when they
come, I am blindsighted. Completely.
* * * *
I talked to my lover last night on the phone. I was happy
to hear from him. But, @ the same time I had a mixture of
emotions that I wasnt telling him. I dont always tell him
what I am feeling, he feels my emotions as if they are his
own.
He asked me why I was sad, and wanting to cry. I felt sad,
and hurt. There was somethings that happend a few months
ago, and my heart was broken. My soul aches. I feel as if I
am crying victim here, or constantly going on about how
deeply I was hurt, when I broke his heart to, sometime
back.
I knew I felt like that, but in the same instance I didnt
know. I chose to shut out certain feelings when they become
to much for me. Or, when I simply dont want to deal with it.
I dont know what think sometimes about this. Other times? I
tend to over think this, and I get into a panic like state.
I loose my train of thought completely, and begin to
missplace things that I have.
The other night, I had done that, I lost a pack of
ciggarettes. A FULL PACK!
I dont understand my self lately. Somethings dont make
sence to me. I feel scared alot of the time. I dont know
why. Maybe I do, and I dont want to see it, muchless deal
with it. Last night, I went to bed feeling scared, and the
way I chose to not deal with emotions is quite odd when you
think about it. I over look my emotion(s). Like how you
would chose to over look an annoying noise in the back
ground. Tune it out.
I do that with what I feel, and I feel like my existance
isnt as true as it could be. But, if I cry about this? And
all the other things that are on my mind? Feel them? I
would fall into a pit of despair, an depression! I tried to
deal with this in a more of a real way a few weeks back.
Maybe a month or so. I was a mess, a total emotional
explosion. Like a nuclear bomb had gone off inside of
me...maybe more like an A-bomb. Something to that effect.
I couldnt function, the feelings were way too intense. I
felt as if I were dying, that if I were to continue to feel
these things, then I would watch my self slowly die, and
not only watch my self, but slowly feel my self die. I find
that quite horrify-ing!
so of course I avoid now....that has lead me into
confusion, and a grey area I dont like. I still have to
mend this heart of mine. But, I cannot do it alone! I dont
have to the capabilities to do this! I am also very scared
that I wont be able to heal this! I feel like I HAVE DIED!
Or at least a part of me. My soul aches! Shit, was else can
I do?! I dont know!!....
My lover, he has changed for the better, and he knows all
of the things that would help a relationship blossom. He
knows now..... AT THE EXPENCE OF MY FUCKING HEART & SOUL!
Yes, I am angry, and yes I am VERY HURT. I broke his heart,
and I had mine broken too. Thats what I think, and then I
cant feel what I need to feel, becuase I feel bad for the
way things were with us in the past.
Sometimes I find my self not knowing what to do, or think.
I feel like screaming right now. I usualy do when I think
of this, I dont know what to express or how...
My lover said he would help me through this...I also asked
him to help me mend this heart of mine. Becasue I cant do
it alone. And he help me into this.....it would would help
to. He has talked with me about this...and I cry..I put his
hand on my heart...I dont know if he can..but I put his
hand there to let him know what I feel, to feel my souls
ache, and my souls screams..my hearts throb...and ache with
every beat. I hold his hand there while my soul cries..and
my heart. I hold his hand there so that he can help me
heal..with his hands touch.
He sits and listens to me talk and cry. He doesnt get
messed up, he listens objective-ly. He's been very good
about it.Its his words that he speaks to me, that helps,
the embrace that he gives...his gentle soul reaching out
for mine..to comfort, to hold, and to mend. I appreciate
it, with all my acheing heart. I am grateful..that he still
loves me and cares for me, even though I have been a piece
of shit in the past.
Sometimes I feel like fighting him, to be inmature and
fight him when he comes to hug me in comfort. Wriggle my
way out of his grasp..and run, run from him. Because I am
hurt. I would just run, run until my lungs burn, and my
tears sting my cheeks.
But I know thats not right, and I dont. I want to get
throught this, and still love him. Because I do. I still
love him..Im just hurt thats all..and I want to return to
the love that we can blissfully be in together. (He has
fallen in love with me with his soul, and his very being)
Its still there, what I feel, ad the love he has for me, I
can still feel for him...the hurt is in the way though, and
I want that out....so I can be ok again.
Its your words my love, your words into me...
Make love not war.




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