taking heed

slightly exaggerated
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2003-12-04 18:01:55 (UTC)

coming to terms with one self

It's no secret that the past few weeks have been laced with
sorrow, pain, suffering, an all-around perpetual feeling of
uneasyness. It has been a time when the true mettle of my
character has been tested and re-tested. Unfortunately,
these tests have repeatedly unmasked the tragic flaw that
defines my character - a paralyzing unwillingness to
disregard the criticism, ignore the perceived opinions, not
let the unveiled judgements of others and myself stand in
the way of what I am meant to do, what I want to do.

Too often I have been prooven to sit idly by while my
window to intervene slowly drifts by, glancing at my
wavering expression to offer a mocking snicker. It is as
if I am shackled and drugged into this state of being idle.
That my inner self is convinced that through being idle I
am being safe and minimizing the risk of scrutiny and
embarassment.

Is that what it comes down to for me? The mere aviodence of
scrutiny and embarassment. I fear it is. So powerful are
the forces of the fear of criticism, scrutiny, mocking,
embarassment, unworthyness, illegitimacy, that to avoid
them I am willing to forgo what for which I truely care
for, that which with effort I could most likely accomplish.
Under this illogical reasoning I am content with fading
into the backround as it will grant me reprieve from
impending, scrutiny is the best word for it. It is a
sobering realization. It is a sobering reality of which I
have been aware of for a long time, but am only beginning
to come to terms with. I must come to terms with this.
Living in the shadows is not where I belong. I aspire to be
someone who others can count on, who puts forth time and
energy to help and be with other human beings. I want to be
a person who stands up for important issues, what I believe
in and hold close to my heart.

I am unsure if I can be re-socialized sufficiently and in
time to realize my aspirations, however I will hope and try
and make a conscious effort to do so. I consider
this "diary" entry the first baby step in the process of
my, as Osker perfectly termed (not to diminish the content
validity of this entry with a lame punk band quote), Idle
Will Kill.


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