2003-12-04 04:50:42 (UTC)

ants in my pants

i read the tuesday edition of the times this week. i
stopped having it delivered cause it was mostly just a
waste of paper but i try to always get tuesdays paper cause
on tuesdays they have the science section. and i like the
science section. maybe i could just tuesday and sunday
delivered. is that possible? anyway there was this article
about excstasy and this study that said it caused brain
damage was retracted because they found out amphetamines
were used instead of ecstasy. the article was about how all
drug studies are bullshit. talked about the possible
theraputic advantages of the drug. some people want to use
it to treat anxiety . rape victims. severe depression. and
i was thinking, hey im all for that . i remember the first
time i did exstasy... what it really left me with the next
day... was why cant i feel like that on my own? hey, if a
drug can make me feel that way, i can make me feel that
way. which i guess has been my ultimate approach and end
to all drugs ive usued... prescribed and ya know, the real
kind. i thought, hey, thats not a typical sara response.
sara says she is against drug therapy. but maybe if its
somethine immediate and hardcore like acid or x and
administered by someone who knew what they were doing, hey
it might work. one time only thing. or a few times a year.
they were at one point researching the effect on
alcoholics. alchies are the same in my mind as people on
prescrpition drugs... everything alrigt... for now... until
i stop drinking/taking these pills... ok maybe thats a
little extreme... write now im writing this, and an email
to julie and an email to marco and talkin to amanda online
and i guess im in a pretty sever wreiting mood ey? each
writing has its own tone, its own thang....

jeez have i been feeling some anxiety at night these
days... sinse marco left... im taking deep breaths right
now and they are like meditation deep breaths... with the
exhals comes shivers, goosebumps and these are good
breaths... this is calming me..

i got home and took off my clothes and changed into comfy
pjs and the cold made me think of chris... why chris? i
know, the weather change is bringing me back to last year
LIFE? i thought of being in his room, in his apartment...
his bare room... a bed, a bookcase, a nightstand... his ex
girlfriends shoes in the closet... high heels, for work.. a
small framed pic of yankee stadium, the onl;y thing on his
wall... he said at some point there was also a poster of
jim morrion passed out on a floor ... but his exgirlfriend
ripped it off... her father was an alcoholic too...

i am thinking i want to be closer to marco. but its not
possible. it doesntmatter how many hours you spend on a
phone.its the kind of closeness that can only come with day
to day contact. the freedom to call and say something when
you want to. even tho marco is worlds better to me than
chris was, i felt closer to chris. even tho that closeness
was largely an illusion. ick, life doesnt make sense.

i feel calmer now. wine does me good. i want to get a good
nights sleep today.

its amazing how many different things one can think in such
a small amount of time. how many contradictory thoughts.
lets try to give an example: talking to chris reminded me
of old times he was his endearing fiesty self and this
brings out fiestiness in me and i forgot the pain he has
caused me and my new discovery of this pain and my new take
on it and he can still make my hate for him melt away and
he tells me he has stopped drinking again and it flashes
across my mind, would i ever get back together with him,
and i remember that feeling from yesterday, and i think,
no. No. i know,
that he
he DID slowly eat away at my soul, taking little bits and
spitting them out and the whole time not MEANING to hurt me
and i knew what he was doing at i let him... then this
guilt about marco i shouldnt even be thinking about
chris... but why not? why becauase of marco? even without a
marco i shouldnt be thinking of chris... ever... and what
is this with marco anyway? what is it and what do i want
and do i need to know these things and can i know these
things? he is wonderful and supportive and just one of the
best, cutetet, good hearted, loving boys ive ever met . i
find it hard to believe he has the tiny little experience
with girls that he has... but as fucked over as ive been by
guys you cant help but know in your fucked up heart that he
is honest. hes also that good mix of bad boy/good boy.
really someome id think lots of girls would go for. and
CUTE. i think hes CUTE. if he took out those facial
rings... shaved... maybe had some hair... he'd be hearthrob
level.... oooo i remember looking up at him at the airport
and just wanting to take a bite out of him he looked so
he said hes not going to read these anymore... this makes
me feel better... i feel totally free again here....

now, i sleep