nicky is dead
2003-12-03 01:12:55 (UTC)

It really is over....

Soniya told me Mike said it was over forever, but I didn't
want to listen. I refused. Denial, yes. Sad, yes.
Hopeless, yes. It was everything I didn't want it to be. I
thought just maybe we could make things right again... I
didn't try to make things so... bad. I don't know. Maybe I
just felt like I couldn't make him love me enough when he
already loved me too much. I just pushed him to the edge.
I'm a very stressful person. I have too much negative
energy... That's what made him want me gone. There was
other stuff, yes. But I wasn't helping. Why did I have to
be so selfish and be so moody? I blame myself... I became
so much more suicidal in the past week or so. It's not
really his fault. I'm the bitch. I understand that. But
why couldn't he let things go like he used to? I loved him
so much and so dearly... It really is over...
I know it's over. He left without saying "bye". Was it
something I said? He just left. Like that. And what he
says when we talk. He doesn't seem like he cares anymore.
He's lost interest. Who would be interested in me? You'd
have to be stupid to care the slightest bit. That's why I
should die.
When we talked, he said that he felt like dying Sunday.
I felt like dying everday since he dumped me. But then he
said God had given him something to do with his life. He's
going to be a teen counselor. He said he'd be good at it
because he's gone through so much. I think it's great he
wants to help other teenagers in trouble. He's aiming
high. But I was thinking, besides Donne who was giving me
suicide prevention information yesterday, who's going to
be here to counsel me? I don't want my parents to know.
They'd think I was crazy like the time they caught me with
my bloody wrists. I just want someone to tell me how I can
maybe get over him. But I find it so hard. I love him too
No one will counsel me. Donne just made me look at some
stupid paper which I laughed at, Soniya thinks I'm psycho,
Eddie is just, I don't know, trying to help but I'm not
letting him get far enough into his talks for him to try,
Brandi gets pissed and sad everytime I talk about killing
myself, and that about sums up the people who half care.
I found out 4000 MGs isn't enough. I'm aiming higher
next time. Make 8000 MGs. I don't know. I really don't
want to end my life... I want to end this pain. It hurts
so bad. It's emotional, but I can actually feel the pain.
It feels like someone is cutting my skin around my heart.
How do I deal with this? The one person who can help me
won't. He has too many other things to do. God gave him a
reason to live. I thought He'd given me mine, too.
I'm having mixed feelings about God. I thought He'd want
Mike and I together. I thought that was great. But He
broke us apart? I don't understand. What does He have
against me? How can I get what I want back? Maybe I can't.
I'm thinking about trying to kill myself tonight. That'd
mean I wouldn't have English tomorrow morning. Yay.
Everything has been said. But will it be done? No. Will
things go back to normal? No. Will Mike ever be mine? No.
Was he ever mine? Possibly. Will my pain ever stop? Nope.
Does life suck? Big time. Why? Because it really is over...


Music: Don't know. Don't care. As long as it sounds like a
death march.
Mood: I want to be dead.