2003-12-02 01:17:45 (UTC)

well im home. i mean back. or..

well im home. i mean back. or whatever. it was a real
bitch getting back.
last night when we got ready to go, madi and lisa both were
crying and then i was crying even my mom was crying and it
was so hard. then we drove for thirty minutes and i called
lisa and she was like "please just come back" and madi was
crying in the back "i want adge" (what she calls me cus she
couldnt say my name when she was little it was adgiene) and
so we turned around and went back and we all cried and
talked about how can we get up there and be together, we
need to live together... then we snuggled and watched a
movie. and then we left. and it was 5 times as long
coming home as it was going, it felt like, because neither
of us WANTED to come back here. i started crying about
that on saturday night. i dont WANT to fucking be here. i
want to be there with my little girl and the people who
love me naturally and truly and completely. i want to
spend time with my cousin because hes having all kinds of
trouble and we should be close again he was like my brother
when we were kids we lived together and now its a little
bit awkward.. not bad, we talked and played games and stuf
but not as comfortable as everyone else, what does he want,
i gave him cigarettes and i was nice to slutofthemonth even
though shes dumber than a box of rocks... but my babies, i
love my babies, i want to go to their school on fridays and
have lunch with them. i want to pick them up and take madi
to brownies and play games and watch movies and snuggle and
BE TOGETHER because these are people who wont hurt me, this
is family and this is love and ive never had that and i
want it and im going to. Im moving there, our lease is up
in june, and i'll be done with my AA in july, so i am
either going to give up and say fuck it and not even bother
with next semester and go stay with my aunt until my moms
lease is up or i'm more likely going to stay and finish and
she'll go there in june and i'll have to stay with someone
for a month until i finish school and then go. but im
fucking going, im dead serious about it and so is my mom,
she needs her sister and her family and they need us and
we're going. ive had enough of this fucking town and being
miserable. ive had enough of waiting for things to get
better here. im starting over.

for the next seven months, i dont know. im going to work
and take as many classes as i can and think about myself
for once, the way everyone else does. and maybe ill make
things work with him to make up for how much its not going
to work with her. it doesnt matter. im leaving. and this
time im going somewhere where i have people who i know love
me and who will help me. something has to change and im
going to make it.