Remember to Breathe
2003-12-01 22:24:12 (UTC)

November 32nd

My mom no longer wants to have family holidays. She
claims that she doesn't know who any of us are anymore. I
woke up to a phone call questioning who I was. She wanted
to know why I was a vegetarian and if I still believed in
God. I know she thinks I'm crazy. I feel bad that I fail
to represent the kind of person I am to her, because I
truly feel that I am that good person she wants me to be.

She found some condoms in my room. I think I've lied to
her so many times that it didn't even phase me to do it
again. I just think it is better for her to now know
everything, because I've been through it all in my head.
I don't want to have sex again until I love the person. I
had a dream last night that I had the baby of a guy that I
actually did sleep with and it was just all too real. I
don't care if I am older now, I'm not mature enough for
that kind of thing.

Speaking of getting older, I turn twenty on Sunday. This
kills me. I feel about sixteen. I always thought that by
the time I was no longer a teenager, I would've shed all
this insecurity and uncertainty. The most cruel thing is
the passing of time. Especially when I feel caught up and
helpless in it.

"So we play our games. I've got a girlfriend. You've found
a new guy. But it's not the same. And so I drive. Straight
up I-5,To let you know I'm still alive."