Visions Of Life
25 Rules For Being A Republican
25 Rules For Being A Good Republican
1) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you are a millionaire conservative radio jock, which
makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for "recovery."
2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth
achieve success all on their own.
3) You have to be against government programs, but expect
your Social Security checks on time.
4) You have to believe that government should stay out of
people's private lives but it needs to punish anyone caught
having sex with the "wrong" gender.
5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it
makes a profit.
6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you
don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are
8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with
decisions about her own body, but that large multinational
corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with
no regulation whatsoever.
9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves
you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims,
homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.
10) You hate the ACLU for representing convicted felons,
but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.
11) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr
to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no
other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their
12) You have to believe that group sex is a degenerate sin
that can only be purged by running for governor of
California as a Republican.
13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of
schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have
condoms they won't have sex.
14) You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they
defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they
defend the Constitution.
15) You have to believe that government medicare is wrong
and that HMOs and insurance companies only have your best
interests at heart.
16) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important
enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the
resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be
educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go
17) You have to believe that biology teachers are
corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the
basics of human sexuality, but the Bible,which is full of
sex and violence, is just good reading.
18) You have to believe that atheism is a religion but that
creationism is just good science.
19) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when
Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on
him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him,
and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden"
20) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one
percent of old
growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those
forests and the extinction of the several species of plants
and animals therein.
21) You believe that the public has "a right to know" about
the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of
Republicans are a "private matter".
22) You have to believe that the public has a right to know
what the government is doing but that Bush was right to
censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report
because you just can't handle the truth.
23) You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling
states what locally passed voter initiate he will allow
them to have.
24) You have to believe that Aid to Mothers with Dependent
children is wasteful, but giving tax breaks to companies
moving American jobs overseas is just what government is
25) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong
because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam
is just dandy.