~°»QuêëN¤ß!t©H«°~

~°»QuêëN¤ß!t©H«°~
2003-12-01 11:49:34 (UTC)

beautiful mine

Mood: eh...alright, confused
Song: Perception twin - the butterfly effect
Quote: 'go funk yourself' - thats the company slogan more
so than a quote but ya know

*its always*you're always*i'm always*and i, i need you
always*

I guess that makes scence to me, but thats about all. My
mind is so utterly fucked and confused at the moment its
not even funny. Perhaps it's just that time of year, it
makes me crazy. I start thinking about the year gone
by. "It's a long December, and there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last"...how could
it be better though? I guess I can think of a few ways.
This year hardly feels like it existed at all. It seems
that I am only comeing to terms with being in year 10, let
alone being in year 11! It's not only being in year 11 its
having my future hurled at me and told to do something with
it, and quite frankly, it stresses me out.

I guess it must be this time of year that gets me thinking,
and I just can't stop. It's this time of year that I can't
make decisions, and I have learnt that when I get like this
to say something, but perhaps speaking my mind in a
language everyone understands isnt such a good idea.

I have no idea why I'm feeling like this again, it has to
be the time of year and what it could be now. Perhaps the
whole in love with my friends factor worries me as well. I
am totally self absorbed alot of the time and I cannot
handle the idea of being replaced, or bettered and I dont
want to compete with anyone, because I know that it's owed
to me right now...or is it? I've always thought i was a
failure at that sort of shit, and now because I care so
bloody much an overwhelming sence of guilt is engulfing me
and its stragling me and I dont know how on earth to fix
it...I dont know what I owe.

Perhaps its because they're the only person I have been
sure I was in 'love' with that it makes it hard to watch
move on. And more importantly wishing we could have
functioned better. I dont know what to think! I dont even
know what to WISH anymore! Something is wrong when even my
dreams can't make a decision. This whole steve thing,
wtf...I dont even think he knows what he wants, making it
doubly difficult for me to come up with an answer for
myself.

Don't move away from who you are, please. If I had to
witness a change in you like that again I might go totally
crazy. I love you, and it hurts, I'm sure I love you in a
highy disfunctional way which is so much more impracticle
than anything ever before. I'm sorry for what I did, and
more importantly I'm sorry for all the things that I didn't
do for you. Very soon you'll see that you deserved better
than i was willing to give. I'm sorry for misleading you. I
feel like i failed you so much and it's killing me. Please
dont take this the wrong way, I'm not begging for
forgivness for all my 'sins' and i'm not asking for
forgivness to start a new, i'm very selfish and i'm trying
in a very selfish way to clear my own concience of any
guilt to make way for anymore guilt and doubts I will more
than likely pick up next year. There's only so much anyone
can handle.

Fuckit. Just forget i said anything.

"Say you won't leave for the rest of my life"

Luv always
Steph




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