Holden Caulfield

A Reversal in Progress
2003-12-01 06:13:20 (UTC)

Do you want butter on that?

Where does time go? More importantly, how have I been
spending my time? I work and I work. I have 3 jobs now.
Keller cafe, Hallmark, and the facist regime Regal Cinemas.
there are some occasions where I would work at all 3 places
in one day. Keller from 9-11:30 hallmark 12-5 and then
regal 6-1:30. People ask me why I have so many jobs, the
only answer I can conjure up is that I hate myself. It's a
petty attempt to rationalize that I am doing something with
my life and tha tI'm becoming a responsible person. The
truth is I'm a slacker. I should be in school. My brain
feels empty. It's been neglected, almost as lonely as my
dick. Excuse the crude humor, but there's got to be a
comical relief. As for my own relief, I find it in
sleeping. It's the only thing I look forward to when I get
home. I find my parents asleep, the sink full of dishes and
nothing to eat in the fridge. I've been spending most of my
money on dinner, plus cds. I'm rendering songs for a mix I
can make and give out for Christmas. It's goign to be all
acoustic. Oh speaking of holidays allow me to sum up
thanksgiving day. Church, volunteering(serving lunch to
people less fortunate) then napping, and work at regal.
Moving onward......or should I say backwards. I received an
email from Melissa Hamblet. She wrote a story for a class.
It's bascially a version of her perspective on the dreadful
night/day when I wrote my paper on her. I read
it.....stared at the screen for a few seconds and deleted
it. I had no respone, no reaction. It was apathy. I'm not
sure what she wanted from me, maybe I shouldve cried or lit
a candle. who knows and who cares? Well fuck it I'm not
going to regret or feel sorry for some stupid high school
shit that happened i think 2 or 1 year ago. Move on.
Let's see what else is worthy or dribbling onto the
screen.....ah yes Lauren Shullman. I had the oppurtunity to
have dinner with her the other night. She waltzed into
Hallmark, so we decided to have dinner. We went to
CHocolat, Barnies(compliments of her) Park AVe cds(bought
ATQ and order STD ep) and ate at Crispers. It was fun and
partially dreadful. The only part that was dreadful was my
self inflicted sense of remorse and shame. Remosre over the
past, and shame for not being in school. I wanted to be a
good rolemodel for her. I'm not sure who my rolemodels are.
I guess jesus but he died and was resurrected by 33. I
guess I should get started. While on the subject of
convergence I was thinking of writing a script. I should do
it just for the mental excercise. If I can't be happy in
life I can be in a story. But I should be happy ...Everyone
should. Amy and I are.....I'm not sure what we are, the
romantic side of me wants to say "dating" but a part of me
wants to say fuck buddies. we don't do any of the dute warm
aand cuddly stuff couples do. On ocassion we'll eat dinner,
watcha movie and make out. but theres something
lacking....something very vital to a healthy relationship.
Ultiimatley what I want is a super cool girlfriend .....
which means I want love, and I have lots of love to
give.....which leads to sex. I just htought of two movies.
Magnolia ( i have love and lots to give watch the tv spots)
and the sex part goes to Confessions of a Dangerous mind,
all Chuck Barris wanted was some lovin. But for now I'll
settle with a glass of milk and some Malomars, greatest
cookies ever.




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