just a normal life
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2003-12-01 03:48:17 (UTC)

its been a while

Hey! okay so its been a while

Not a whole lot has changed... i can't remember if the
last entry was before the concert or not... but anywayz...
Sky Harbor! it was awesome to see them play again cuz they
really do rock up there on stage!

Oh and Steve... what can i say... it was really awesome to
see him again... it really was! He's a great guy with a
great personality and ahh i don't know there's just a lot
of great things about him.

I wish things could work out... for a while in my naive
little mind i just blocked out the fact that nothing could
ACTUALLY happen... i mean i knew that we were nothing more
than friends... how could we be when we never see each
other? but i just continued choosing to put that in the
corner of my mind... i think its because i didn't think i
was the only one doing that. I thought he was too.

And then after one night... that kinda changed... he was
being really distant to me... and then julianne told me
some things he said to her... things that just made it
like perfectly clear... that we were just friends... but
even more so... that i really wasn't anything to him... at
least thats how i interpreted it.

And so that was really on my mind and it was kinda
bothering me but then i think i got to the point where i
was like... why am i letting someone whos hundreds of
miles away from me, affect me so much! How did he gain all
this control over my emotions! and why did i let him? I
never let guys have this kinda control over my emotions...
especially not in this short of an amount of time after
seeing him only 2 times in my life and knowing that he
lives forever away from me! I don't know I think i kind of
let myself go thinking that this would be safe... thinking
that i knew what i was getting into... and that I couldn't
possibly get hurt by some guy from a christian band that i
just by chance ended up meeting!

and so... a night or so after this realization, I was at
my friend kieth's, and i found out that a kid from my
school's mom died... a person who i had been praying for
pretty much every day since i found out she had cancer.
and deep down, I really just always thought that she would
make it! that she would be able to defeat the cancer and
that she would be like this miracle! and that through her,
the other people in her life would be able to come closer
to God. and when i found out it was just like... a
disbelief almost. I can't say i knew her personally, I
can't say i even knew her son, a kid who's in like half of
my classes every day at school, but i just felt soo bad
for him, and for the rest of his family. I just can't
imagine how tough that has to be.

So that kinda got me on the road to thinking about things
that night, and then it was like couple's night with james
and debra like rolling around on the floor together lol
and Mandy and Erik and for some reason Kara was like
straddling Keith on the couch... and then there's me...
laying on the couch alone with my thoughts lol.

And so then of course I start thinking about Steve too...
and i was just like why was I so stupid in the first
place... and why did I meet this guy! this guy who seemed
so perfect... but the more i find out the more I'm not so
sure that he's right for me... which in all reality would
probly be a good thing... but at the same time, kind of a
let down ya know. and then thinking about Dave and his mom
and then my friends, and realizing how good they have it
really. The amazing things in their life outnumber the bad
stuff like times 10! and yet they still run to alcohol and
drugs and things that make them people who they aren't. I
mean i was so happy when Erik gottshall had gotten over
all that... and I saw him sober! and i was so happy every
time I saw him! every time I talked to him! He was
like ... Erik Gottshall... this great guy and a great
friend... who looked out for his other friends, with
bright blue eyes I might mention! I haven't seen them
nearly as bright blue again as i did those days that he
was clean and those days that i knew he had God!

Oh the amazing things that the Lord can do! Even on days
that seem like there's no hope... u can ALWAYS find it in
Him! and on those days that are just amazing you just know
how much He loves! This amazing love that can't even be
taken in by our simple minds! Sometimes I try to
comprehend how things may work for God, or how heaven
works, or how the world works... and I just can't find the
words to describe the thoughts that come into my mind. and
I can't grasp the thoughts that would explain anything.

alright so this is off subject but iw as reading Joel's
diary and he had this entry... and it was just...
perfect... it was like putting in words these thoughts
that floated around in my head and when i was reading
it... I was somewhat surprised but at the same time so
glad to see that I wasn't the only one with these thoughts
rushing through my head so fast with no direct path and I
can't even express them! Its like there's no words or
actions or way to express the thoughts and even the
visions in my head! Its a kind of crazy thing really.

but anyway... now that i totally got off subject lol...
James knew there was something wrong... cuz james always
knows... he's one of my best friends. and he kept asking
me what was wrong and i was like nothing nothing. and then
after debra left he like took me into another room and he
sat me down and he was like just tell me whats wrong
sam... and so finally i just told him everything ... well
not everything... but all the thoughts i could express
without bursting out into tears. and we talked about

and he made me feel better about everything really. I love
James. I don't know what I'd do without him. And we talked
about how like it seems like our friends take for granted
the amazing things they have and use drugs and such to
hide from all their problems.. which are miniscule
compared to a lot of people.

::sigh:: and we also talked about how i end up hiding
behind a mask too... not purposely... but the person i am
when i'm around just a few people, and a group of people,
ends up being very different. I'm sure i've explained that
before. And james was like Sam ur personality it great, I
like u more now that i know the crazy side of you too than
i did before you opened up... and he just makes me feel
like its okay to be myself and he makes me be the kinda
person that i want to be when im around him! and I love
that! there are few people that have that affect on me and
James happens to be one of them and I'm just so thankful
that he's in my life!
But unfortunately, even after out talk and everything, the
next weekend at his lake house he ended up getting drunk
too, along with ya know... well almost everyone else. That
was a hard night and i've finally gotten to a point that i
think i can accept it, so i don't really want to talk
about it anymore lol honestly. Its one of those thigns
taht I'd rather just put behind me and leave it there.

But I had a talk with Steve the night after Keith's thanks
to encouragement from james and joel. So I just basically
wanted to know what steve thought.. and if he like
considered me really anything to him? or if i was jsut
some cute girl he met and thats basically it... cuz i end
up getting really mixed signals from him... and he was
like you do mean something to me sam and ur awesome but
that he had been thinknig about it and praying abut it and
that I deserve some guy thats awesome and that can be
here for me and that its not fair to either of us and... I
don't know i thought that like we had it all worked out
and I was like... okay I'm content to know that I'm not
the only one who wanted more... its just that he was the
one to come to a realization that it couldn't happen first.

But the funny thing is that sense then, we have talked
some... and we talked on the phone one night. And I had it
in my mind that we were jsut friends ya know... and now I
think I feel like he felt... and he feels like I felt. I
think that he's now like... why doesn't it seem like she
cares as much as she used to... but I do still care! I
really do! but now I realize that he deserves so much
more! someone who can be with him more often that I can so
that he doesnt have to feel so lonely! And now I know that
he does care! and its not that he doesn't care and thats
not why he was being distant... its just complicated and I
know that and I also know that the more we keep avoiding
the fact that at this point in time... we can't really
make things work...we will just both get hurt in the
future ya know. And I'm hoping that in keeping it jsut
friends and not wanting and thinking more of it... I won't
be soo affected by him!

Its so confusing. I love talking to him and I always want
to talk about him and i still think about him a lot! and
like i'll see random things that just remind me of him and
I'm like I wish i could just call him right now... or even
better if I could jsut see him right now! And the more I
think about it... the more I'm like wow... this isn't
fair... and now that I see that he sort of gets scared by
the fact that I haven't been the same to him since I
realized that we needed to just be friends... which he was
the one that put it out there in the first place lol...
its just like ah i don't want to hurt him!!! I don't want
him to be lonely! and I just want him to be happy! and I
think thats what he was trying to explain to me the night
that we had the conversation about this. And i was like I
don't wnt to let this go at that point. I still wanted to
cling on to that hope even if i knew that at that point it
wouldn't get me anywhere.

Man, so I dont' really know what to do I guess. I dont
wnat to stop talking to him because when I get to talk to
him on the phone especially, it just makes my day! But I
don't want to make things harder for him! or for me i
guess! i don't know... and then on the long trip to
missouri i found a song that i really like by mest that
kinda reminded me of him...

Theres a time and place for everything
theres a reason why certain people meet
theres a destination for everyone
whats the explination when we're done

It just kinda made me think... why did we meet? and will
there be an ending to this story? or will time and
distance eventually fade the memories. ::sigh::

Well theres i would talk about my family now and
considering no one reads this i'm not too worried about
the boring factor ... cuz i know... its real long and its
my life and it probly does't interest anyone else enough
to read all of this... its more for my personal benefit of
just getting everything out... cuz sometimes it helps me
realize things and see everything from a different point
of view than when i first sat down here.

But either way its getting late and this is getting way to
long for even me to ever go back and read so I'll stop
here and say Godbless!