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2003-11-30 03:02:39 (UTC)

but you gave away the things you loved...

...and one of them was me.

im tired. it seems like all we've done is drink since ive
been here. and im content but not as happy as i usually am
here... my mind is troubled, and it makes me angry that
even here im not away from it... im usually like this at
home but i thought it would go away here and its not and im
mad... and matts little "i miss you" emails dont help
things because i dont know what the fuck to do. i think i
should just try harder at us until i can leave that fucking
town because this is too hard. i dont mind working at
things i care about, but it shouldnt be this complicated
and difficult, ever. when i find the person i'll spend the
rest of my life with, if i do that at all, it cant be this
hard. it will be someone who is enough like me to believe
that love is the most important thing on earth, it will be
someone strong enough to be honest and act on what they
feel, someone humble enough to let me help them when they
need it, someone open enough to share their real feelings
and not keep them inside, someone courageous enough to
live their life, someone passionate enough to fight for
what they want and not sit and watch life pass them by...
and this is why, i will die alone. there is no such
person. and now i can safely say, that everyone i have
ever believed in, has let me down in some way.

god give me strength to drive 20 hours back to that fucking
town, to nothing, tomorrow night.

i had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee...

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