humming bird

my F***ed up head
Ad 0:
2003-11-25 04:01:38 (UTC)

the newest news

yeah i just read over one of my last entries and i said
somthing about how if mark had never met jenny than he
would prolly be a better person but now that i think about
it i doubt it. He would have been an even bigger player
than he was and there would be no way in hell that anyhting
could ever work between us.The last time i wrote in here me
and him had been dating for almost a month. Do u know how
long it has been now...almost 4 months. and i love him more
now then i ever did.i dont want to lose him, i dont want to
be away from him and i would never hurt him. i couldnt.i
would never want to carry that burden of knowing what i
did, i would never want to see the hurt look in his eyes
after i told him and i would never want to lose him all for
a few moments if illusional bliss with some other guy that
could never mean as much to me as mark could never
be worth it to me. i mean yeah i have cheated on guys
before, but never on a guy that i was in love with. and if
he ever cheateed on me,and there was no way of me finding
out, i would pray that he would not tell me and just vow to
never do it again, and as fucked up as that sounds it is
true. the only reason he would ever tell me would be becuz
he felt guilty, and how selfish is that to bring so much
pain to someone just becuase you couldnt handle carrying
the guilt, you'd be hurting someone to make yourself feel
better about something YOU did.i would rather live in
ignorance than feel the painful sting of reality when it
was unneccessary for me to feel it in the first place. i
wouldnt want to leave him but i would khow that i would
have to becuz our line of trust is so thin right now that
if that hapened it woul be nonexistant and there would be
no point left to the relatonship, everytime he said another
girls name, everytime he glanced at another girl it would
break my heart and remind me of what he done a thousand
times over and why would i insist on putting myself thru
that. so all i can say is that i would hope to god and
heaven and everything above that that situation is never
more than an "if" in my mind and quite frankly i wouldnt
even want it to be that. Part of me trusts him but part of
me i so scared that he missessinglehood so much that a
temptation would be hard to resist. but i am going to go so
i'll write later............. luv julz