Euphoric Nothingness
2003-11-24 03:49:55 (UTC)

One Simple Word: Stale

Lately I've had something heavy on my heart. As of late,
especially the past few week and months, I feel as if I
may do too much for others and not myself. I mean I like
hearing and listening to other people's issues since I can
learn from them, but I feel like sometimes something is
missing. And lately, sometimes has been coming more and
more often.

A recent example of this is the latest Library escapade.
Don't get me wrong, it's a whole lot better than Wendy's,
but if I miss 3 weeks of working, no matter how nice the
rest would be, I will be in some serious financial
trouble. I'm sure my mom would help me out, but I feel
guilty if I have to humble myself to ask for her
assisstance even more. She works her ass off everyday and
she's been through a lot to get to where she's at. I just
don't think it would be fair to her.

I'm not really sure what brought this tyrade on. Last
night, I was asked to give my advice and wisdom to Amy and
Zio while trying to convice Jevon to do something she
really wanted to do (no offense to any of you). And while
I do get a brief smile for helping out my friends, and
they do return the favor, it's almost like they go on and
I kind of feel left behind. I'm not trying to knock
anyone here, but sometimes it just feels as if people
always think Chris is going to be here and bail us out no
matter what so he'll be ok.

Another thing, and I guess I have myself to blame for
this, is that I don't seem to have much fun these days.
It's like I work 6 days/week, do homework all the time,
and that's it. I don't think I do enough for myself. I
know I don't have much fun time and very little fun money,
but I think that I could probably do more with what I
have. I've been trying to meet at least some new people,
and I'm thankful for Amy and her crew, but maybe it's just
that I am selling myself short. I am thinking that I am
trying to do what's right for the future, but I am
neglecting what's best for right now.

This may be just some frustration coming out of me. Maybe
something deep down underneath may be fueling this. I'm
not sure what it is, but my life has been really stale for
quite a while. Same old routine week after week. I
realize that I need to have some sort of routine and that
I need to be responsible, but I'm not spontaneous and I
don't have fun like I should. I mean I'm in freaking
college. I understand the fact that due to my personal
situation with 2 majors, the minor, and limited financial
backing, I definitely have to have limits. But I am
worried that I'll look back on my undergraduate days with
a "What Could Have Been" attitude and be really
dissapointed in myself......

Well now it's back to paper writing. Thanks for reading.
Gotta love that Roman Colosseum!!! :)

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