2003-11-23 23:05:53 (UTC)

give me a reason.

give me a reason why i'm feeling so blue
everytime i close my eyes, all i see is you
give me a reason why i can't feel my heart,

everytime you leave my side, I just fall apart

give me a reason why I can't concentrate
the world is turning upside down, spinning round and round

it sounds ridiculous, but when you leave a room
there's a part of me that just wants to follow you

i miss you, and this is all i wana say
i guess i miss you, beautiful
these three words have said it all
you know I miss you
and this is all I wanna do
i know it doesn't sound too cool
but maybe i'm in love with you
i just miss you, i miss you, baby
and when you're walking out that door, know i miss you
you make me wanna ask for more, i miss you.


sometimes im just sitting here doing my paper and i get so
frustrated. and i wish she would just leave.

i always think "oh when....things will be better." when
the semesters over, things will be better. cus i'll never
see him and i'll have more classes and whatever. but it
was always "When i graduate, things will be better" "when
i get to gainesville, things will be better" "when i get a
job, things will be better." When WILL things be better?
in the back of my mind its "when im done with school and
have a good paying job and live in the mountains, things
will be better." but what if that proves as undependable
as everything else has?

why do things happen at the wrong time? why cant one day
everything just work out and everything ive tried for and
wanted pay off?

im enjoying writing this paper. i've been doing it just
about all day. one day, i want some college girl to write
a 10 page paper on me and my life, documenting the events,
patterns and thoughts that led to my spiralling depression
and inevitable suicide. is this why i keep an entire shelf
full of journals and diaries and scrapbooks? one day i'm
going to put it all together, publish it somehow and kill
myself. and maybe only the four or five people who have
loved me will read it, but whateva, i'll be dead.

what i want is to be successful and raise a daughter who
will be strong and caring and passionate and meaningful to
the world. and if i can somehow help children who are on
the track to growing up living through an unbreakable cycle
of depression to do something a little differently and get
on another track, id like to do that too.

because sometimes all the dreams i have and all the desires
seem so useless and hopeless when i know im not going to
live long enough to fufill them all anyway. i know im not
going to ever be in a place where i can maintain a healthy
loving relationship without fucking it up and spending the
following time wishing i hadnt.

sometimes i dont know why i get out of bed. i dont know
why i even bother. sometimes id like to buy a one way
ticket out of the country and live a simpler life where im
forced into loneliness, where its not dangling in front of
my face teasing me "you could have this if you wanted it"
or 'you could HAVE had this if you HAD wanted it" or
anything else. but the most simple solution of all is to
end it which is i imagine why people do, you spend years
trying to reflect and deal with feelings and understand
them and "fix" them, all the while getting more and more
frustrated that you cant and that youre slowly losing
everyone who once stood by you until one day you realize
all the time you've lost doing this has gotten you nowhere
but back to square one and this is too great a loss to cope
with in the state you've put yourself in, so you have no
other choice.

i dont know what to do anymore. spending all my time
trying to understand something that is incomprehensible and
waiting for something to happen to change it since ive
realized nothing i do will change it and im waiting for
nothing. i dont know what to do.