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2003-11-23 08:01:56 (UTC)

sometimes i think that if i..

sometimes i think that if i could only make sense of it, i
could learn to accept it.

other times. i tell myself i just dont care.

i dont. care.

and right now is one of them.
right now my head is working over time and my heart is
sleeping somewhere warm and comfy...

what is a girl to do.
who is a girl to love.

i know i could.

i could let myself fall victim yet again to the act of
loving another.

i could release my bitterness and find solace in anothers

but im too smart for that?

or is that insecurity.

and besides who would i love.

sometimes i think that im already there.
already there with a girl that i know i will never have a
chance to make happy...the way she should be happy.
then again, i know i already do.
and what is a relationship for that matter, a friend you
well, if im not in the market for sex anytime soon, which
im not, a friend should suit me just fine....

maybe its the fact that i dont have the same status.
the priority...if you will.

and on that note, could i?

maybe not.

but i think so....

all and all its pretty much moot anyway.

shes happy, and i am for her.

i do love her though. more than i love most.
maybe the lines of friendship and relationship are just
too blurred at this point for me to even tell the
difference in my feelings for her.

maybe part of me thinks its more beautiful of a thing to
share an intimate friendship with someone rather that just
a "relationship".

maybe friendship is what is lacking in my life....

maybe thats because ive fucked most all of my friends.

i am so over that...

this recent scare had left me hating the whole idea of sex
even more than i was prior.

i fucking. hate it.

and i hate knowing that the things i am the most confident
in are sex, and drinking.

i can out fuck most boys, and out drink them all at the
same time.

....maybe in some weird way thats some strange silent
competition i have had all my life....

gotta be better than the boys...right....?

emily is so far from my thoughts right now.


yes. i love her. and i know i will continue to.

but more and more....

i really. really. dislike her.

shes rude and selfish and so insensitive.

what was i thinking?

and most of all....

she doesnt think for herself.

i think thats a big thing.

i can deal with people who have opposing view points.

i encourge that infact.

diversity is great.

but the pretentious ways...the blindness....the lack of
understanding the GRANDE scheme of things....

and the way she totally blocks out the fact that i could
actually know what the fuck im talking about...

bothers me.

a lot.

i dont claim to know much.

but what i do know.

take as fucking truth.

maybe someday someone will enter my life. and maybe they
will be a good thing.

until that happens.

my legs will remain closed, as will my heart.

if you cant stimulate my mind first, why even bother.

i get myself off better than anyone else anyway.