bonni

ramblings
2003-11-23 02:34:07 (UTC)

from the past few days....

11/21 12:25am: yeah..okay.. so all of my entries for the
past 3 years on my other diary webpage have been seriously
deleted.. forced to forge upon new territories in order to
write... or to gaggle some sort of nonsense somewhere in
the world.. ooooo... this site is so cute!

11/21 9:27pm: holly and tj asked me if i wanted to go with
them to the grocery store. every part of me wanted to say
yes, but even though jonathan and i are not attached.. i
know that he didn't want to go to this girl's house.. and
i'm desperately hoping that he'll come back to me.. wrong?
stupid? sad? yes indeedy.. but what else is a lonely girl
of 20 to be? god i need something new and different in my
life (A GUY!!!), but all parts of me know that that totally
isn't the right thing for me. that's the reason i ended
things abruptly with adam the second he mentioned something
about commitment. i want exactly what i can't get, like
most people. and however i try to deny that, the more it
comes back to haunt me and in my mind i see the ancient old
maid that i am to become. thank goodness i'm only 20, but
holding two major relationships to my name is not too good
of a thing. and the weird thing is.. i never slept with
either of them, so i have yet to experience the emotional
PLUS physical committed relationship. i suspect it is to be
disastrous.. but one day i'll find a guy worthy enough
(ha.. listen to myself!) to experience both among my many
personalities... if he stays around that long or doesn't
get run off by me.

11/21 9:35pm: now talking to adam. eeeek! why oh why did i
not leave my away message up?? see how bad i am? i guy who
i actually believed when i he said i was beautiful. i don't
know what it was that made me feel so weird around him. was
it just that i'm not that willing to give intimacy to
someone? i dunno..

11/22 12:40am: jonathan never came over... blah. well. i'm
sure i'll hear about how much fun he had tomorrow. note to
self: MUST GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON!!! what's my deal? i've
already been through this! you and jonathan aren't
together! stupid and obnoxiously weird is your "friendship"
and that's that. but i think that every night we hang out
will be the last. because we both know that we BOTH can do
better, but we just can't help but end up together. i
wonder if that excuse is good enough for more than three
months?

11/22 9:28pm: talked to jonathan today.. he didn't go to
that girl's house. turns out that he and mike rented a
game and played until a quarter till 4 this morning. woo
hoo!!! i hate to think that he just wanted to chill with
the guys instead of getting with some hot little tart. why
am i acting the way i am! i was so relieved.. i'd been so
worried that... blah!!! why? eeep! all of these
thoughts running through my head. i wonder sometimes..
could he be thinking differently about me now? i wonder if
he realizes if it ends what he'll be missing? he assured
me that he wouldn't be leaving in december. i said i might
miss him. he'd told me a few nights ago that paul had a
girlfriend (he found out, then told me), that's why paul
had kinda igged me. i told him.. (this was after a
friendly encounter).. "at least i have you for a while".
i didn't mean it quite like that, but i didn't want to tell
him that i was hanging on to anything i could get from
him. he's like this sick batch of cocaine that seeps
through my veins making me want him more. i mean.. don't
get me wrong, i couldn't have the sordid relationship i
have with him, with anyone else, however.. i know i want
more. i want it all.. i'm a girl. girl's just can't be
friends.. and friends for the past three months in
a 'committed' relationship like we have. we're friends
first, and we're not going to sleep around on the other..
these are our strict rules. the thing with adam happened
at a time when things were over for me and jon, but it
somehow brought us back together. he broke his rule for if
one of us found and got it on with another, that that part
of our friendship was over. he still can't explain what
made him change his mind. and i changed mine, too. i
wanted it to be over. to be through with all the bullcrap
that we had with the questions of our friendship. i
mean.. i care about the guy, and he truly cares about me.
why won't he grow up and see what's there before him? or
why won't i grow up and find a more appropriate
relationship for me?





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