Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2003-11-23 02:08:26 (UTC)

It s not a good day to be me. I..

It's not a good day to be me. I enjoyed the morning.
Things were going great until I got frustrated with myself
and started working out. I worked out for an hour. It
was quite a turn on, but it didn't make me feel any better
about myself.

Infact it put me in a bad mood. I'm really depressed
right now. Cal just left with a bunch of people to go eat
dinner. I think S just left her computer on and it's not
showing as away on MSN.

Dave made me the happiest I've been in months. He said
something super amazing the other day. I wish he would
get online tonight. I know his plan was to go
snowboarding at Mt. Baker today. I'm sure he had a good
time.

I went for a short drive with my parents today. We were
heading off to take a walk while my snow tires got put
on. We headed out the Canyon road and it made me really
miss Dave. I couldn't stop thinking about when he came
and we took a drive to Yakima. I suppose I should have
been scared that he was going 60 down a narrow road with
turns that he'd never been on before. Somehow it didn't
phase me much. I don't think I even thought about holding
onto something.

Life is changing all around me. I feel powerless to join
in or to stop it. I think my depression is really
affecting me today. I will try to eat later since I
really do need to. Also I will consider not drinking
tonight.

I do tend to drink when I'm depressed though. This
depressioin stems from deep things. Things I don't care
to talk about at the moment. I'd like to talk to Dave
about it, but I know he has other shit on his mind right
now. Bigger and more important shit than me being out of
it.

We did talk like old friends the other day. He is slowly
coming back around. We talked about his depression. He
didn't admit he's been depressed. He just said people had
been telling him he was. He was a little upset that I
wasn't honest with him and didn't mention it to him.

I want to go with that honesty thing and tell him how much
I hate Elissa. I just don't know when is a good time to
do that. He has shit to deal with. I was planning on
telling him the other night. I told him if he was online
that night that we had to talk.

He didn't come online that night. I think he figured I
would ask questions he doesn't know answers to. Maybe it
was a good thing I didn't let out my rage I have for
Elissa. He does not need to hear that right now. I can't
really tell what he needs these days.

All I can do is be a strong friend for him. Be someone he
can talk to no matter when. We'll see what happens. One
of these days I'll dump my shit on him after he opens up
and dumps his shit on me. I'm sure he's only told me a
tiny bit of the shit that is going on in his life.

I want to do something special for him. Maybe I'll buy
some sushi and sake and hang out with him. That could be
lots of fun. I must find out if he likes sake. I have
found it to be ok. Maybe I'll just buy some beer
instead. Fat Tire or try Mack 'n Jack or whatever that
other stuff he likes is.

Right now I am going out. Maybe to get food if I find
anything good. I will return soon, food or no food.