2003-11-22 09:11:26 (UTC)

who knows

i feel the need to write and organize a bit and here goes.
im a tad buzzed (maybe a little more)and am sitting in
front of this comp so might as well go ahead....

first, i do not want this weekend to be a repeat of last
weekend. i want to keep my head and wits about me.

i need to buy toilet paper
need to clean the bathroom
sort out as much garbage as possible.
(i am using marcos presence as an excuse to clean things up
asap... its good)
call payroll on monday
dye hair (saturday?)
go shopping (sunday?)
make list of students i need to get questionaires from.
plan mondays workshop session(go to library website and do
some research)
email sara the names of people who did not come to
should have conferences early (as soon as thanksgiving
break is over) so they will have the weekend to revise...

the other day in class i was thinking about what we are
covering... we are teaching them how to write a research
paper... mundane things about what is a valid source and
what isnt... how print is more reliable than the
internet... when something is peer reviewed in a literary
journal... makes it more valid... so what we are really
teaching them is that expertise in your fiellllld, meaning
education is your field, meaning the knowledge of existing
information is what makes something valid or not.

ive been thinkin alot lately. that slow kinda
philosophising that i like... i like thinking about the
little intricasies of things......

sidenote it seems unreal to me that in just a few days
marco willbe here...... weird. i know how good it will feel
when he is. right now its weird. i feel a little bit like
a loser cause im having some kinda relationship that i
refuse to label cause im insistant on being coldhearted
like that (or realistic?) but thats what it is
anyway......... i mean when i go out im not looking for
guys bt i never am anyway so whatever.......

imtoo tired for this. too tired to write......

wrote above last night....

today was, hmm/
woke up.
walked over to the shopping center to get some coffee, some
food... try to decide what to do exactly with the beautiful
day, weatherwise... went home for a bit, spent about 45 min
trying to figure out how the fuck to call m. finally did
talked to him for another marathon 5 hours or so? during
which i did lots of cleaning and organzing and sorting
through things... julie came over, we got stoned, yapped,
ordered some salads from the diner, stoned, yap, then went
to go see Gothika (halle berry SCARY MOVIE)and we both sat
in the theatre hiding our eyes half the time and i feel a
little better now that i have a nice glass of wine, am
listening to bruce and smokin a cigg. watching that movie
was like being slowly tortured to death. i dont know what i
do this to myself. julie said it got really bad reviews and
i cant help thinking that these reviewers must be robots.

been worrying a bit (yes yes i know dont worry, ok ok) that
i am avoiding life. i told julie im glad marcos comin soon
cause that means another week i dont have to worry about
life and what the fuck im doing and i can continue to avoid
life... but maybe i should stop and see that i am living.
especially loving, is living too right? of course.

rita says when she spends time with glen she thinks she
could be doing something more productive. that she
sometimes feels like she is wasting time. in my mind when
she said this, i thought that thats not how i feel about m.
the hours on the phone dont seem like a waste of time. i
never felt that with chris either. but i didnt spend
constant amounts of time with chris. and obviously, not
with m either. anyway . i do understand what she is saying
tho. i dont know if she is trying to push him away, if
theres something really there, what the deal is really.
something about him unnerves me tho . maybe cause i will
always think she deserves someone better. she told me last
night that she has been comparing him to me. we laughed
about this and she told me she didnt want to tell me that.
i do thesame thing tho, with boys, i always compare them to
her. she says that we have a balance of fucking around,
having fun, laughing, and having deep intellectual
conversations where we make eachother think. and we always
work out arguments.. so on... and that her and glen dont
have this. they fuck around yes, but playfighting, not
really making eachother laugh (which i dont think is true,
ive seen them laugh together) and that they dont have
conversations that make her think (i dont know) and anyway
there are all these parelllels with glen and m, but this
wasnt one of em... she said tho, that paul, her equivelent
of chris, has been calling her lately too.... chris hasnt
called me sober, from work, in i cant remeber how long and
suddenly last week he called like 4 times... it was under
the pretense of sorting out some buisness.. .he is getting
a girl i work with a very good job ... which i think is
really nice of him... she is still in college... and shes
gonna get his old job, cause he is getting promoted again
and can fill his old position... so he is hiring her... it
pays ALOT of money and she is really happy... the poor girl
is working 2 jobs, doing an internship and going to school
and shes a really nice girl... russian... so every time he
calls he asks a question about her and then we talk a
little about other things... he asks alot about m. more and
more with each phone call. until i said, dude, stop asking
me about him whats your problem. he says that he is
jealous, but that is very happy that i am happy. he
asked "is he at least a little idealistic? not a cynic like
me?" and i said "no chris, not a cynic" and he said "good/"
he said "as long as he puts a smile on your face" i dont
know, made me a bit sad. weird conversation to be having.
especially cause i dont really talk to him. he asks me out
to dinner once in awhile and i either dont answer or i say
we'll see... same old same old. i d like to see and talk to
him but know its better this way. he is drinking more than
ever and has started with the coke again. lovely really. i
know lots of people do coke but he is really the last
person on the earth who should....
the last person i could speak to so long on the phone was
anthony. not counting rita. in alot of ways, the
relationship with marco reminds me of anthony #1. this is
both good and bad. i got very dependant on anthony.,
anthony took my happiness very seriously and i think i
ended up weighing him down. also lots of other complicated
stuff. but i think this is why i am so adamant about marco
not being affected by my moods. i dont want to make the
same mistakes.
but yes yes i need to relax. hahaha i feel relaxed tho,
does it sound like it?probably not. i am thinking too much
lately. need less thinking, more action...

i think im gonna read myself to sleep.
tomorrow is another day