Blue Castle reverie

My Saga
2003-11-22 06:47:50 (UTC)

I m not happy anymore. I haven..

I'm not happy anymore. I haven't really been for awhile
now, but I tonight it really hit me.

This isn't how college was supposed to be. This wasn't
how things were supposed to be.

I love my boyfriend, but I didn't want a relationship
now. I needed more time to finish being just me before I
was ready to be a "we". I wasn't through figuring out
myself, and now it seems like everything about me is
defined in terms of "us". Which is so confusing, because
I love him and I love spending time with him, but I wasn't
ready for this relationship to start. I didn't want to
start a relationship my first semester at college, I
didn't want to be making plans to get married right out of
college. Now I don't know that I could be happy with
anything else, but I still don't know that it's the right
thing for me.

I have no girl-friends here at college, and I hardley talk
to any of my high school girl-friends anymore. I don't
have anyone I can really talk to anymore except Chris.
There are about four types of girls here, first there are
the "I'm a total nerd, excuse me while I go sit at my
computer for 27 hours" girls, the "I'm in a sorority,
sleep with 8 guys a week, and have nothing inside my head
but aerosol fumes" girls, the "i'm ethnic and proud, and
only hang out with other people who are ethnic and proud"
girls and the "I go to a dozen bible studies a week and so
do all my friends" girls. I haven't met anyone who I
could even see as really being my friend, and even if I
did, it seems like all the other girls here are so settled
in their little groups already; I just want somewhere I
belong.

I work so damn hard here, and I'm just so tired. I have
never worked so hard for so little in my life. I spend so
damn much time on schoolwork that I almst never have time
to just relax, or just go out and have fun. And if I ever
do, I'm so tired that I just want to sleep, or sit around
the room in my pajamas. Last year I kept telling myself
that it would get better; that it had to get better. o
such luck. I hate this school. Nothing has ever made me
feel this stupid in my life.

And I don't know when I stopped being spontaneous and
fun. I used to do ~anything~, any wild crazy thing that
popped into my head, but somewhere along the way that
stopped being me. And I don't like it.