Well quite a bit has gone on in this head of mine since
I've last written. Unfortunately that always happens. I
don't know why I'm not one of those people that can just do
things and they happen and they don't have think about
them. If you're one of those people-I hate you!!
Anyways...I'm going through some major vocal issues which
is the majority of my thoughts currently. Without getting
into details of my mind (quoting THE BOY FROM OZ
line "Whatever goes on inside us is nobody's business.
It's private...") I will try to express some of my thoughts
about this issue and other things.
Vocally I'm changing. These recording sessions have been
hell. Knowing that I'm being recorded and people are going
to hear me wigs me out and I start pushing and doing things
I never would do before. Believe it or not it seems harder
than an actual performance. I can't stand to hear myself--
which I'm told is normal. But I'm not sure all the doubt
and angst for my talent that I have when I hear myself is
normal. Maybe my wording is a little too harsh. But I'll
get through. I'm trying to figure out where the best place
for me to go next year is. I want to further my studies
without being pushed into anything. I want to scream "I
JUST WANT TO BE A FREE, EASY, AND BEAUTIFUL SINGER!!!"
It's so hard because everyone wants to label things when
you're so young. When you're in a primarily classical
school everything else BUT opera is kind of thought to be
blase and not as good. Anwyays enough of that...I'm just
trusting God will take me through this transition and he
will guide me in the right path.
Friends are really agitating me right now. It seems like
all my relationships with people are changing. My mind is
opening up and I'm starting become very cautious about
every little thing I say or do. I was very dissapointed
because I unintentionally dissapointed someone very close
to me this past weekend, someone who makes me feel special
and who I feel I connect with. Since then I have
questioned EVERYTHING about our relationship. I'm not one
to let things just "go", but I'm almost at the point where
I am about to do just that. Maybe I just feel in
friendships I can't meet expectations that I think are laid
out for me. I'm pretty complicated when it comes to these
things sometimes. I like a friendship that's just laid out
there, honest, and understanding. I thought I had this,
but now I'm feeling like I'm being persecuted and
manipulated unfairly--which I'm sick of having happen to
me. I'm a very independent person who doesn't need people
around me all the time to make me happy. I only need those
few people that I know I can always turn to and talk to and
who will be there once in a while. So I am distressd about
this, but I know it will pass and time will eventually heal
To top off some of this--my mom was in a bad car accident
on Monday night. I didn't find out until Tuesday morning
and I FREAKED out! I was very scared when I only heard the
words "MOM WAS IN AN ACCIDENT." So I immediately hung up
from my voice mail and frantically tried calling my
sister. Things like this make you think. I kept thinking
about the last time I talked to her and how I should have
called her all weekend to talk but didn't--what if the last
time I talked to her WAS the last time??!?! So needless to
say it was very upsetting. She's doing fine the last I
heard and she's not in the hospital anymore. THANK GOD!
The opera cast list for the spring opera is supposed to go
up tomorrow--lord only knows what it will be or who is
going to be in it. This is probably my last stage
performance here and it would be nice to go out with
something good (go out with a bang I guess! lol).
Well I've written enough. The only thing left to describe
my inner monologue right now are these lyrics....
IF YOU WERE WONDERING
If you were wondering
who I am
I am a Man!
Just like any other man
If You were wondering
who I was
I was a Boy!
Just like any other boy
starting out on some great mystery
on the road
when I had no choice
I waited out a century
I took a load
until I found my voice
there's nothing wrong with being me
If you were wondering
Who I love
I love you
'Cause that's all I have to do
I'm a man
just like any other man
unlike any other man.