2003-11-19 05:01:44 (UTC)

da future

was just at my brothers show. they are so good and make me
so happy. so many people came, it was SO COOL. they
covered 'house of the rising sun' and it was just amazing.
mike did this awesome drum solo... i was so proud.. you can
tell they really love playing up there. i remember one of
their best shows, was at this place called l'amours in
brooklyn, pretty big , pretty well known place and they
were opening up for a misfits cover band... and the place
was packed, but with these goth kids. who really hated
them. thought they were too pop-y and annoying (in other
words they werent wearing black lipstick and singing about
suicide) i rememberthinking, wow if i was up there id be
shitting myself playing to these people. but they played
harder than they ever had before.
anyway both my parents came tonight, and my dads friend
conrad, who had a blast. it was nice seeing my parents
looking adoringly at mike... they looked so proud ofhim..
especially my dad... i hope my brother saw that.. im gonna
tell him... mike always thinks they arent proud of him,
think hes a loser...

theres a meteor shower tonight... do i stay up to watch
some of it? i think i might have to. i am so tired. so
tired. i felt so out of it when julie came over here to
pick me up... felt like i have half a head...

i was looking at maya at the show and she is looking so
pretty lately... i mean shes always been a beautiful
girl... but she lost a bit of weight and her body just
looks perfect to me, curvey and just gorgeous. i, on the
other hand, have gained some (i know i have i can feel it)
and today i wore a big sweatshirt cause i really feel like
a lardy lump of ...something lardy and lumpy and icky and
blobby. i was really happy about the way i looked right
when i came back from italy 2yrs ago. i know what i have to
do, i just dont do it, so ill just do it then. alright.

ive also been thinking alot about THE FUTURE i dont know
why as i havent done anything from my short term plan
(basically, just get to fuckin writing.. but i will.. its
cominnnnn) when do i go to grad school? if i go to grad
school in a couple years as planned i should be writing
like a maniac write now to get as good as i need to be. do
i go for english? no, most likely not although sometimes i
think about it . really the most desirable option is to go
for the MFA in writing... but then id really only be able
to get a job TEACHING writing and is that what i want to
do? unless i publish then the oppurtunuties are more
extensive. what do i do in the meantime? stay at my job?
get my real estate licence? get certification in substance
abuse councelling? i could get a teaching job at where i
work if i start work on a masters degree now... ill get
paid 5 times more than what i do now... but i dont really
want to go to a school around here for writing, and not now
either... and i still want to live in italy for a bit... go
to one of those language immersion schools and i think i
could get a job at my old campus in florence.... i was
thinking for awhile to go this time next year but do i
really want to do that? WHAT DO I WANT TO DO???? as just
in cases i should get my real estate licence just in case
and i should get my dual citizenship just in case. both of
those things are not time consuming either, so....
bottom line, is i dont know. jesus this is a weird phase of
life....... and what if something serious happens with
marco? what then? then what? then what direction will life
go? i cant think about that right now on principle anyway
so lets push this out of my mind.....
anyway ill make some decisions someday... not today,...

so i am contemplating if i should jsut go to sleep or if i
should make myself stay awake to watch some of this meteor
shower,,, id really like so see some shooting stars........
i need to sleep tho... ah how weak this human body

ah well its cloudy anyway... some decisions are made for

also.... there is the question of what to wreie when i
start writing.... i initually wanted to put pisa off to the
side and work on some shorter things and send them around
to some literary magazines... but these days i am not
thinking in shorter terms... im thinking about pisa...
really what i am thinking is pretty much nothing like what
ive written already so ill have to scrap all that... most
of it anyway.... i wonder how desparate should she be? do i
play up the opposite characteristsic of her and mary?
initially i wanted it to be obvious that they were both
personifications of the duality in me. how much do I want
to be involed in the writing? she is def not a singer
anymore which is a shame cause i liked that bedroom
scene... but whaddya gonna do.............

poor marco got in trouble today cause of me ,. i was
waiting for this. i really feel like id pull my hair out if
i didnt get to talk to him everyday. but he really shouldnt
be talking to me for so long during work ANYWAY. maybe we
can work something out later on when i switch cell phone
plan and get one with friggen a decent amount of daytime
minutes... my brother has a plan where he gets free
incoming calls no matter what time it is... i need THAT.
supposedly after the 25th, when this new thing goes into
effect where you can switch companies but keep your number,
they say the companies are all gonna be competing eachother
for the lowest prices... best plans blah blha blah ok

ok im off to dream land... where i will envision floating
on puffy clouds... ahhhhhhhh