2003-11-19 01:33:32 (UTC)


i cant do anything.

i fucking slept and cried all day thats all i can do. my
head has been spinning and i can hardly keep my eyes open
all day except to sit in the garage and smoke and try to
stop crying before i crawl back into bed.

i held my head up with one hand and wrote 3 pages of this
paper with the other for about an hour but other than
that. when im awake i cant keep myself calm and when im
asleep i cant make myself wake up.

i need someone to just hold me and tell me that no maybe
they dont understand but they love me and things will
someday be better than this.

life just keeps getting harder, and it just keeps getting
harder to hide. the darker it is around me, the easier it
is to see inside...

it cost $300. isnt that a fucking beautiful thing. im so
fucking angry.

and i called the psychology study place. and they werent
there. and i didnt leave a message cus i got scared.

all i know is that something has to change soon. because
granted, im not ordinarily the happiest person on earth and
even when im not the only indication is the occasional rant
or bursting into tears that is incomprehensible, so its
hard for people to differentiate between low and lower for
me but. im not well at all.

and i want to help her so much but theres so little i can
do and all the while im angry inside that she needs help
because isnt it at least a possibility that things would be
different if she had lived with me like i had said a year
and a half ago? i cant get that out of my mind i know its
over and done with now and nothing will change the past
when i cant even change the present but it makes me so
angry and then when i feel like she doesnt even care, i
know shes fucking busy but then i get mad because things
could have been different but she was all "i'm not ready to
move out" and then 3 weeks later i hear from matt that shes
staying out by UCF with that fucking whore and im not good
at letting things go and i just get so mad because also its
not fair because shes stuck right now financially but shes
STUCK WITH her and WITHOUT me and i get mad, of course i
understand that she doesnt have time to hang out and
whatever but she has time to see her every single day all
the time because it was okay to live with her but not with
me god i get so fucking mad when i think about it and i
just want to help her and i did by getting her this job but
now she might not be able to go to school and that makes me
mad and i just get so mad with it all if i cant even help
her why do i bother because its driving me insane

im driving myself insane. all im trying to do is get
through this week without killing myself and then i'll be
in indiana and things will be okay at least for a week.

idontavertmyeyes [12:31 AM]: even when youre sad and
crazy, i love you and i see the beauty in every

fo' eva eva. 3.