2003-11-18 11:51:38 (UTC)

shes taking her time

making up the reasons to justify all the hurt inside, guess
she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes,
everyone's got a theory bout the bitter one...

they're saying 'momma never loved her much and daddy never
keeps in touch, thats why she shies away from human

but somewhere in a private place, she packs her bags for
outer space and now shes waiting for the right kind of
pilot to come, and she'll say to her, she'll say 'i would
fly you to the moon and back if you'll be my baby, got a
ticket for a world where we belong, so would you be my

she cant remember a time when she felt needed, if love was
red then she was color blind, all her friends have been
tried for treason and crimes that were never defined.

shes saying 'love is like a barren place and reaching out
for human faith is like a journey i just dont have a map

my cars in the shop. it overheated again. and im going
crazy. my plans for the day are to throw up this bagel as
soon as im finished, go to the gym for at least 2 hours, at
which point hopefully i wont be too tired to write this
motherfucking paper and then i can go pick up my car and
spend a shit load of money i dont have on it, and then go
get my hair cut. and sometime during the day i think i'll
call that place and tell them im sexually active and see
what its all about. i hate my body. and i hate my mind.
what else do i have.

im on the edge of giving up now because on my mind has been
the thought, it doesnt matter to her. really how much of a
difference will it make to her if im not around at all?
because i hardly see her anyway or talk to her and i dont
know if shed even notice let alone care, whether or not
thats because shes so busy or anything else, it doesnt
matter. i remember one time brent said "she seems more
amused by your affection that anything else"... which i
think is true for a lot of people in different degrees but
its never been so infuriating. i mean, its nice to have
people like you. i would say that im "amused by the
affection" of matt at work. but i dont care, i dont think
about him, and i dont think she thinks about me. and maybe
im wrong but i dont think matt sits at home crying about it
and driving himself completely insane over me. so thats
the difference. and im angry. im angry that im in a place
that i would give her anything and do anything for her and
she doesnt even think about me to call unless she needs to
know when to go to work. i know shes busy. but thats not
the point, i feel insignificant enough on my own. i dont
need it. and im still so bitter, i dont know why i was at
the gas station after i dropped my mom at work, and i was
thinking you know i ended up living with fucking sarah
because of that big-ass cunt and my girl ended up stuck in
this situation with debt and everything else and im bitter
and still very angry that she didnt live with me she
frustrates me beyond belief and i just am getting worked up
and i dont want to fuckign talk about it anymore and i dont
know if i even want to fucking talk to her anymore because
i get too hurt and too angry and she doesnt even know or
care at all and maybe i was wrong or maybe she changed i
dont know because i always thought she was different and i
dont know im really pissed off now and im going to go.

"occasionally the waves of my underestimated instanity
break, and in these moments of uninhibited clarity, i think
of you and i wonder what it would be like to give to you
everything i wish i could, everything i wish i hadnt handed
out so freely before, to people who did not understand or
appreciate can i make these moments
do i apologize for my apathetic do i explain
that my love for you, is what drives me to this distance.
and why cant i let you fill this void that eats me from the
inside out...maybe you do have everything, maybe theres
just so little left, you cant tell....and maybe you should
take my word for it, when i tell you i will hurt you"