2003-11-16 23:43:28 (UTC)

i guess it doesnt matter that im saying that i love you

cus you dont believe me anyway
still im screaming that i love you
and im driving myself crazy
and im making you insane

ehhh. im not so happy. i wish i could stay there. here
im sad again. and i left my fucking license there, thats
not good at all. i swear im losing my mind, i lost my
credit card, pepper spray, searched everywhere for them and
they were both right there where i had looked 20 times...
claudia gave me a barbell, its dark silver and little and
cute and i just fucking dropped the ball off it and i cant
find it. im very upset.

claudia and i talked about flying to california to see rent
next month, since this week is bad for us and theres no
good seats and stuf. that would be the most amazing thing
ever. she said she can get $50 flights and shit. i dont
want to get all excited. so we'll see about that.

i really wanted to go pierce my stuf last night. her
roommate tasha was like "yeah lets go" trying to talk
people into it but i think in my drunkeness i decided to do
it next weekend and insisted that everyone there come
along... haha i dont think im going next weekend. i want
to but i'll probably have a lot to do since i have a paper
and test next tuesday and then im leaving for indiana after
class. she/tasha has the kind of lip piercing i want and i
was talking to her about it and im guna do it when i get
back from indiana. cus i dont care if everyone thinks its
stupid, i dont even care if i end up hating it and taking
it out, i really want it.

i went to the gym. step 1 to becoming a stripper. yeah

-i really love her you know.
yeah i know.
-do you believe me.
-i dont think she believes me.
well why would she.

i had crazy dreams all day and my tummy still feels funny.
im unhappy today. i wish i could just stay there. even
when bad things happen and i get sick or anything, i still
love it there, its so weird. i love being around her. im
just happy there. the unhappiest ive been was last night
and only because all i could think was i need caroline to
come take care of me i need her to come and i sort of
expected her to just show up any minute i dont know i was
in bad shape and i remember very little after a certain
point, the last clear thing i remember was comparing
ashley's and claudia's piercings and i definetely want mine
horizontally, then i remember i called johnathon and had
him leave a note for richard cus he didnt know his cell
number since it changed... why cant people just take away
my phone when i drink??? then i remember talking about how
i like girls not boys but i love sucking dick the whole way
to wherever we went, then i was frantic cus i couldnt
figure out how to open my door at all, and i got sick and
jessica was holding my hair out of my face and then shaun
took me inside the apartment and then i was smoking on the
porch in my blanket and then i sat in the shower for a long
long time and then i tried calling her and thats all i
remember, i was falling asleep thinking she'll be here

i want to say thank you to shaun and jessica cus they were
both really sweet to me, i know its annoying when people
get that drunk and a pain in the ass, and they neither one
knew me very well but they were really sweet to me.

i just dont feel right today. i dont even remember driving
home this morning. all i know is that i made it in less
than an hour and i walked inside threw up again and went to

i think im going to just go back to bed. a waste of a day
but i just dont feel good at all.