blueswede

never leave your manhood at the door

Ah, another Saturday night entry. I seem to be doing a lot
of these as of late.

A music update: I purchased three albums last weekend. They
were: Republic, by New Order; Jimmy Cliff's Collection Gold;
and Donald Fagen's Kamakiriad. I'm listening to the Donald
Fagen album right now. The songs are pretty good, even for
something that's sort of a concept album. I especially like
"On the Dunes." It doesn't really measure up to stuff from
Steely Dan (Fagen's band with Walter Becker), but it's still
quite good, in my opinion.

So, as happens so often, my plans for the weekend got fouled
up by god knows what. One of my friends was supposed to be
around, and we were going to watch a movie which we've both
been wanting to see, and which I suggested to him some time
ago since I'd heard it was really good. I could just watch
it whenever, but I've got some hangup about completing plans
that fall through, and so I've been holding off.

Now my friend is a great pal, and chilling with his crew is
always a good time. That said, he is probably the flakiest
individual I know around here, and our mutual friends aren't
really a whole lot better, at least not too often. One guy
is pretty reliable, but most of the others I would not care
to rely on. Now I suppose they generally have some sort of
excuse, if "being caught up in stupid psychodrama" suffices
as an excuse for flaking out on plans you make. Hell, I'll
even give my friend a break, since he's got some shit going
on with his personal life (though frankly I think he'd just
deal with it if he had any balls).

But drama by any other name is still drama, and I think that
when you're bordering on two decades of life, you should be
able to deal with in some capacity. Maybe my perspective is
not shared by other people, and that's fine, they don't have
to think the same as me. But when everybody around you can
see that you're being an idiot, and they'll tell you as much
direct to your face, and yet you keep plodding along on the
same old path, then either you're too afraid to do what has
to be done, or you don't actually want to resolve the mess.
I don't know the psychological term for that, but I'll give
you oddds that it's something pathological.

I don't want to tell anyone how to live their life. But I'm
still concerned for the welfare of my friends. I don't have
too many of 'em, so I figure I'd better watch out for those
few. And when someone's personal life is such a big fucking
mess that it affects their coursework, then there's quite a
problem there, and it merits some intervention. I'm not an
expert on relationships or friendships, but I like to think
I've gotten pretty good at identifying those individuals who
are highly toxic and can really fuck up your life if you let
them get away with it.

But honestly, I can't say what's right. In all truth, there
are as many sets of standards as there are people. If what
you really want is to be in a fucked-up situation, then come
out and say so. At the very least quit bitching about it.

I just know that I'm sure as hell not going to let shit like
I've seen happen if and when I get in some relationship. At
one point, I very likely would have. But not any more. Do
I want a girlfriend? Sure, could be fun. That pursuit does
not sit in the highest slot on my priority list though, and
if a relationship were conflicting with my studies, I'd have
to step back and straighten things out. And if it became an
abusive relationship in any form, controlling or whatever, I
don't think I'd hesitate to break it off for very long. To
me, part of being a man is never forgetting that you have an
obligation to yourself, and that sometimes you have to stand
up for that. Or, to put it more bluntly, make sure to never
forget your balls.

Now the key is going to be finding some girl who's not going
to get me into such a mess. But that's another story.

This is Dave, signing off.