Sara9870

Sara
2003-11-16 08:36:35 (UTC)

night

what i really would like to do right now is print out some
porn, jerk off and pass out. but thats only cause i feel
anxious and like i dont wanna think about anything. lets
reason here.

mike came over tonight and we smoked a bit. this i guess
made me anxious, and thinking differently.

i havent had a proper nights sleep all week.

going to get my period in a few days.


i had a nice night. it was nice chillin with mike. while
smoking we listened to his new cd and he told me about the
process of recording it, about the process of turning a
bare bones song into a full song, the way they all
collaborate, doin it together... then we watched a Mighty
Wind which was hysterical. before that i went to dinner
with my parents, this other couple they know... their kid,
andrew and andrews friend. i always like hanging out with
this other couple they know. the guy was one of my dads
best friends since they were little kids. i love hearing
them talk about when they were young, what astoria was
like, what it was like to be young in astoria back when
they were kids.

yesterday i talked to marco on the phone for almost 5
hours. afterwards i was so... i dont know. felt so
different. felt so full, satisfied, so tingley and happy
and calm and just beautiful.

i wrote this after, never got a chance to stick it in here:


after getting off the phone with marco, iris called. she
asked "what time do you think you'll get to the party
tonight?"
i said "hmm maybe 11? julies gonna come too."
"cool, so whatre u doin now."
"i just got off the phone with marco, i was talking to him
for 5 hours" i laugh
"what? are you serious?" iris is screeching a bit. "are you
gonna marry him?" i laugh some more. typical iris
response.

crazy tho. all that time. by the end i felt like he was
right there next to me. even closer. like he was in my
head. kind of like when i went to see the kingdom. 6 hours
of dutch. at the end i felt like i wasnt even reading the
subtitles anymore. like i knew dutch.

normally i feel stagnant, loafish if i dont leave my
apartment all day. but i went to sleep at 5 (after talking
to marco for an hour) woke up. showered. talked to him from
2-7 (crazy!) and just watched this movie, called Talk to
Her. weird flick.

(back to now)

anyway after that i went to this party in the city. fun
night.
woke up today. thought it was sunday and got nervous when i
realized it wasnt. cause i thought "all of today and
tonightand tomorrow what am i gonna do with all that time?"
that anxiousness. what i ended up doing was walking over to
my moms office, to her her to drive me to the medical
center to get the staples out. but i ended up staying there
for two hours. i do that sometimes. just hang out there.
its easy to get sucked in. talking to olga. bullshitting
with mother. watching nick and alex be crazy people. i
wanted to walk to the park but it was too cold.

and i missed marco. i guess it was that chunk of hours the
day before. i wanted him to call so badly. everytime olga
and i went out for a cigg she asked about marco and i
asked about her thug greek man. i like talking to her.

when he called, heard his voice and i just felt like
sinkinginto the floor. felt all my insides mush together.
felt my head get staticy. at some point i just handed the
phone to my mom, not telling either of them who was on the
phone i wasnt even thinking i just wanted my mother to talk
to him.

and i think i said stupid cheesy things to him like "i miss
you" and i talked to him and i just had to convey that
feeling that was going on in me somehow and i just didnt
know how to, and he didnt sound like he believed me.

and now i am thinking about when he comes here and i am
scared. obviously there is nothing to be scared about but
its hard i think to attach all these things you feel to
this body that suddenly appears and ahhhhhhhhhh . i feel
that way anyway. but luckily he is one of those people you
just feel comfortable around whereas im not. i have some
kinda gaurd. with everyone.

the only thing that seems to get it down is writing all
this shit.

these feelings i had for him today were new. the more i
talk to him the more im gonna feel things. when he comes
here, thats gonna make me feel like a bunch more new
things. its gonna make it harder to go withthe flow and
play by ear and blah blah but ya know what i dont give a
fuck. its too late now.

driving back from jersey, there was lots of traffic... and
my dad put some music on and conrad and kim (the couple)
sang along to all the songs... my dad and conrad talked
about concerts they went to as kids... made me jealous, of
the music of that time... the who, the stones, hendrix,
janis joplin, the band, all the music they loved... that
was real music. none of this shit now is any real . nothing
like that. they talked abut getting old. getting fat (at
least i dont have to worry about that. although i think
that for at least a few years of my life, id like to have a
beautiful body)anyway that music is just all soul, all
feeling all real....

i want to feel as much as i can

ok...... sleeppppppppp




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