psychomagnet

more than fucking wanted.

well.

im absolutely out of my mind.

i dont know what i wanted or expected. except in the most
simple terms, at the least, i wanted to fucking hear this
girl sing finally. and i wanted my girl there like last
time. i dont know kind of brilliant revelation or course
of emotional events i expected of myself beyond that, but
apparently even the very least is too much to ask.

its stupid, i know. and this must be why i am constantly
disappointed in life. because i get too excited about
little things and look foward to them too much and then
when it ends up blowing ass, i end up looking like the
worlds biggest nutcase in a freezing parking lot, getting
the confused, wherethehellisthiscomingfrom-look.

and all i wanted to do was call ashley because she always
understands but i couldnt bring myself to call her crying
on her birthday especially when i know its stupid.. all i
kept thinking was "im going to tampa tomorrow im going to
tampa tomorrow"... if tomorrow was a school day instead of
a work day, i would be on my way there right now.

fucking make it go away. JUST MAKE IT FUCKING STOP.

i just spend so much time trying to convince myself that im
not so crazy anymore and that im a lot more stable and
strong and grown up and independent than i used to be and
then i just lose all control of myself and prove that im
still the same crazy bitch and i know it probably doesnt
matter to her whether im crazy or not nothings changing
either way but i just.

that ache in your chest and throat right before you burst
into tears, that feeling wont go away with all the tears in
the world. im too tired for words right now, im too
frustrated and disappointed and alone for words. AND its
fucking cold. bring it on.

cus youre the one im dreaming of.......